Yesterday was a crazy, crazy day. I damn near froze myself to fake death last night, and it took FOREVER to warm back up. But I managed. I'm not a popsicle yet! I win this round, November.
I stayed after class and talked to my philosophy professor about god last night. He let us out of class at 7:55 (fifteen minutes early), and I wound up staying for almost an hour after he let class out, just chatting with him. Which made me exceptionally late, but only according to my schedule that insists on being at least ten minutes early. I wound up being right on time, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
My philosophy teacher is a pastor. He has a Masters in theology, and he was asked if he wanted to teach at my school. Clearly he accepted. But I asked him if he got into philosophy because of Jesus (on account of Jesus being a pretty fucking fantastic philosopher, obviously), and he said no, but he loves hearing about what all of our views are.
I asked him what his views on God are, and he said he didn't really want to tell me, because he didn't want to get fired. I told him that not only would I not tell, but class hours were over. So he told me what he believes, why he believes it, and when it all fell into place for him.
He asked me what my story was, so I told him. I told him my struggles with faith, and how ultimately, not being able to thoroughly explain why I believed something to be true just didn't sit well with me, so a firm agnostic I remain. He said that makes a lot of sense, especially for someone like me.
But I came away from the conversation with two things:
1. A new level of appreciation and respect for my professor; and
2. A huge sense of emptiness
The truth is, I miss having faith. I wish I could believe in something that makes no sense to anything other than my heart. I'm starting to become more and more cynical, and I think I know why. Not that it matters. Maybe it's cynical, maybe it's jaded, it might even be bitter. But the more I think about intangible things, the more I doubt that they exist. That maybe I've been going through expected motions for the last decade or so, and none of this is really real.
I struggle with that too, though. There really is a profound sense of emptiness and longing when I mull over the idea of these intangible things just not being present anymore. Perhaps it's not longing...maybe it's disappointment in finally figuring things out, and the reality of everything being the antithesis of how I perceived the world.
Perhaps I'm slowly losing that piece of myself, and maybe it's for the better. Maybe it's making me worse. I really don't know.
Everything intangible is based on faith. If I think faith in god doesn't make sense, then reasonably thinking these other things are real doesn't make sense, either.
My brain was fairly heavy last night. My evening improved drastically, however. I had a great night last night. Today isn't turning out so hot, even though I'm, for all intents and purposes, in a good mood. I just have heavy boots.
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