Hey! Trip day seven is my birthday!
I want to start off by saying that a few of my friends remembered to wish me a happy birthday, but so many of them did not. And I was pretty disappointed, bordering hurt. Both of my kids forgot my birthday, too. Just like last year. I don't make a big deal about my birthday, I don't want or expect presents, or flashy birthday messages, I don't need a fuss. But like, birthdays are the fucking easiest layup in the friend responsibilities. It's ONE DAY. One. All you have to do is say, "hey, happy birthday! What are you up to today? Love you!" You can even just leave it at, "happy birthday!" I did end up crying over being forgotten, because what it points out to me is that people don't care enough about me to either remember, or mark the day in their phone so they don't have to remember. I see the effort the friends who forgot to wish me a happy birthday put into wishing other people a happy birthday, and I told Derek that maybe what my takeaway should be is I'm not a very good person, and people are just matching my input and energy with what they think my way of showing up for them deserves. And maybe that's the case. It put a real damper on my day. One of my friends definitely gets a pass, as she just had a fucking baby only a few days ago, and postpartum brain is a singular monster unto itself. I am not even the least bit bothered by her not wishing me a happy birthday. But everybody else I am pretty fucking hurt by. It put a real god damn damper on my day, and I talked this out with Derek on the way home the day after my birthday that I am just going to shift the way I show up for people. Derek of course thinks I am wrong about my assessment that maybe I am the problem with why I didn't get birthday wishes from over half of the people I consider friends, he pointed out I am always offering them things, wanting to do stuff for them and spend time with them, for my closer friends I'm always trying to plan friends trips, and like....sure, but if I personally am a monster to them in other ways, it kind of negates any "nice" habits Derek notices. I'm always really worried that I'm self centered, and that my autism and ADD make me a bad conversational companion and a bad all over friend. I know I tell my friends they can tell me if I'm being self centered. But maybe I'm so awful that they don't feel like they can. I don't know. I was hurt on my birthday, and I spent a day sulking about it, but I was otherwise really happy about how the people who did show up for me on my birthday showed up.
Derek's mom went and about me dairy free keto cupcakes from a keto bakery in Madison. Derek got me a UH hoodie that I have refused to buy for myself since graduating with my BA because I couldn't justify the price. My SIL brought her girlfriend and the niblings over to have dinner with all of us even though she didn't really have the time, and her girlfriend arranged it so she could leave her nursing shift early to be there. One of my closest girlfriends was the very first person to wish me a happy birthday and she sent me the loveliest text (she knows I hate phone calls). My favorite aunt sent me a message and chatted with me for a long time. My daddy called me. I felt very loved by the people who celebrated me in ways that they know I appreciate. Derek made the dinner, even though I had been prepared to make it, and we had such a great time with his mom, his sister, and Fae (his sister's girlfriend). The kids spent most of their time downstairs, but the time we did get to spend with them was great. All in all, it was a lovely day, however much the people who couldn't even be bothered to reach out for a two second "happy birthday" made me feel about myself and my place in their various lives.
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