So I suppose that a 1:1 of PhD program acceptance and rejection doesn't really suck. It could have been 0:2 acceptance and rejection...though it also could have been 2:0. Really, given the program I applied to in Syracuse, I was never gonna get an acceptance. I knew it before I even applied.
And the joke of it all is, I'm perfectly satisfied being able to say I was PhD material. I am happy to not pursue my PhD because now, I know I could. I wasn't sure that technique would work for me, but it did. I'm happy to be validated. The punchline isn't that, though, it's that I am currently applying to an MSW program in Binghamton. I think it suits me better, though I am still going to apply to the Women and Gender Studies program in Toronto when the cycle opens, because I think that's where my focus has always been meant to be. This MSW feels pretty close, though.
I do not think my personal statement makes it appear that I actually want any part in academia, though. And part of me doesn't. I was very honest in my personal statement....the second time around. I initially faffed about with something flowery and self-aggrandizing and it made me sick to my stomach. I wrote four pages over the course of a week and kept just...staring at it. Today I opened it up and kept trying to write it and I was saying out loud, "this is bullshit. It's all bullshit." Even though the things I was saying were true, it was still just fucking fake. So I opened up another doc and started a second version. I banged out seven pages in a few hours, and overall, I feel much happier with what I said, though I think this version may cost me a spot where the other version would have made me a sure thing. That's ok. I am in a spot where being true to myself matters more than proving myself to strangers. I have done the requisite send out of the statement to all of my girlies so I can get feedback, but...I think I'm just going to go ahead and apply. I don't want to overthink it, or be talked out of saying exactly what I want to say in exactly the way I want to say it. I may have learned too much to be a good fit for academia now, though apparently I haven't learned enough to stop asking academia for acceptance. I can't decipher if that's because I firmly believe academia could be what it should be, or because I want to forestall my student loan repayment. A mix of both, perhaps.
We're moving to NY in a few months. I'm so excited to finally say goodbye to this factory reject dildo of a state.
