I took a few days. They were fairly productive, but also kind of disappointing.
Here's what I've figured out:
People are awful creatures. They're self-serving. They lie and mislead. Not telling the truth by not saying a word is completely a thing, and I am more than tired of it. I spend a good deal of time doing things for other people, because I feel bad saying no. I'm not going to feel bad saying no anymore. I've got my own shit to deal with, and I don't want to add the bullshit of everybody else to that list.
It's terrible to understand that the people I care about most don't afford that same courtesy in a way that benefits all parties involved, but I suppose I shouldn't be surprised by this.
I know the things that are going on, even though I'm pretty sure it's widely believed that I'm in the dark. I'm not. I've just been hoping that people would have enough respect for me to be upfront as opposed to leaving it up to me to be the adult that says, "Hey. Is this actually what's going on? Because I know it is, and I wish you would just come out and say it instead of...you know...not." Onus is not on me to corner people into being honest. That's not right, and it's not fair. And I'm pretty damn positive that it if these people cared about me, they wouldn't put me in that position.
I've been feeling for a long while like I'm sitting in almost everybody's back pocket. It's not a nice feeling, and I think it's why I've been so sad the last few weeks.
I know I'm not perfect. I'm kind of a disaster, but I'm working on making it better. I HAVE been working on making it better for quite some time. I don't feel like I'm on an even keel with anybody, but I know that's my fault. I've allowed myself to be a doormat (but a weird kind of doormat. A doormat with a bit of a bad attitude every once and awhile), and that puts me below everybody. And this is why I'm seen as less than. And that's always been my biggest fear. I already have a complex about believing I'm worth less than everybody around me, and now I know why.
It's not like thinking I'm exceptionally smart puts me on a pedestal...I know everybody thinks I'm smart. I've made the crucial mistake of believing that because people think I'm smart that they see me at eye level. I no longer think that's the case. When people respect you, they're not mean to you because they know they can get away with it because you're just SO forgiving and understanding. They don't just take, take, take because they know you don't mind giving. They don't drag you by your hair through the ringer because they know you'll come out on the other end smiling, because you're just so fucking tough that you can handle it. When people respect you, it's never just you that makes concessions...equal limits are set, and nothing is just on one person's terms. That's not respect, it's abuse. And aside from being ultimately hurtful, it's also fucking boring and unoriginal.
I've had some conversations that have been quite the dose of real talk. Ugly self-actualizations are fucking bitter, but necessary. I can't really grow if I don't figure out the bad stuff and fix it.
On a more positive note, I've developed a quick and intense passion for scarves and leather jackets. I very happily took myself shopping the other day, and spent a lovely afternoon by myself, not giving a fuck. I had some lunch, puttered around stores, bought some scarves, a jacket, a pair of aviators, a big sweater, and some leggings (I see why that combo is a trend. Fucking COMFORTABLE. Jesus). I also bought a pair of insanely warm compression pants for running, because I'm going to try running again tomorrow when I get off of work. My toe has been feeling almost normal lately, and I am pretty confident that I'll be able to run at least a mile and a half. I'm obviously going to go for my full three miles, but it's been weeks since I ran, and I'm not going to push myself too hard. I just need to do something, because biking sucks balls. I also don't want to be enormous and disgusting.
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