she said, "I can't love you any more than this"

I had wanted to write about the last mermaid shoot I did, and how I only have one shoot left before launching them, but that's going to have to wait for either another day, or later today.

Saturday was Honolulu Pride Day. Gabriel is in GSA (Gay-Straight Alliance) at school, and they marched in the parade. But I will never ever ever give up the chance to show up for Pride, and Derek had never been, so after we dropped Gabriel off with his teacher, Derek and I made our way down to Honolulu to get a good spot for both viewing the parade, and photographing it. Because duh. I would be a fucking moron to not photograph people being fucking happy and themselves and openly expressing their love that maybe they have to hide from other people. Everybody gets all gussied up, and covered in glitter, and everybody is smiling and fucking happy and like...who DOESN'T want pictures of that? I am really excited to post all of my favorite pictures from Pride, so those are going to come first, and then I'm going to post my least favorite pictures from Pride, and I'm going to shoot off at the mouth about the commodification of allyship and how much it pisses me the fucking fuck off.

But first, the good stuff!!!

As a preface, there was a really fucking great turn out to Pride, but we were, technically, at the very beginning of the parade route, so we were miles away from where the festival was, and we were way off the streets, so the people gathering in our area were not as large in number as they were once you turned onto the actual street the route took. The crowd looks a little meager where we are, but it isn't because Honolulu didn't turn the fuck up for Pride. Derek and I just wanted premium vantage for photos. And we kind of missed it, even though we were the first people to see everything. I also needed to bring my wide for the shots I was going for the most, but I only brought one lens: my walking lens. My 24-105 L which...I'm not going to lie to you...it's a great fucking lens. But it wasn't my 16-35, and that was what I wanted. I chose...poorly.

She gave me free mom hugs, and I love her.

There's my baby!!!!!

Handing out leis, I love it!!!!!

Anybody who looks at this picture and thinks it's wrong needs to fucking exit themselves from such negative thinking and learn to love love in every form it takes.

BAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYBEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! This gorgeous mother fucker saw me with my camera and twirled all the way at me, then sashayed away like the baddest bitch in town, and I fucking loved every god damn second of it.

EXCUSE ME, but whose amazing child is this??????

I fucking loved the parade. I had so much fun, I'm so glad I got to go to Derek's first pride parade with him, and I wish we could have gone to the festival, but Gabriel is way too young and we would have wanted to drink way too much and stay way too long. So we went home.

So, regarding the businesses that had their marching sections in the parade, I want to make sure that I say first that the LGBTQIA community needs to know there are businesses out there that have their back, and support them, and that they don't discriminate in the workplace, or clientele. Getting that word out is important. Any marginalized community needs to fucking know where their safe spaces are, who they're safe with, and where they can be themselves without having to hide anything. I get it, that isn't my point here. I still want these businesses to show the fuck up and support the LGBTQIA community. All communities and causes that need support, of course, but I'm narrowing my focus because I was just at the parade and that's where my bone is. A lot of these companies are monetary supporters of Pride, a lot of these companies have great diversity programs that include training for all of their staff. I support that. I support their support.

What I have a problem with is how slimily commodified that support feels at Pride. I legitimately have a hard time discerning if the big signs announcing that the company serves with pride, or flies with pride, or all routes lead to love, or whatever the fuck they slogan...I don't know whose benefit that's for, but it feels to me like it's for theirs. That it isn't about pride, it's about marketing. And that diversity and inclusion is at best the line before the bottom line. Maybe I'm deeply fucking cynical, maybe I remember too much about marketing from way back when, when I was a business major. Maybe I see things like that and think about how almost all of my friends are members of the queer community, and I don't like how they've become an advertising campaign, maybe I'm just way the fuck off base and this is the most genuine form of showing support, and there is no other way to let a beautiful community know you are their safe bank than hiring a huge fucking truck and big ass balloon floats and announcing your pride and aloha since 1920 whatever. It's been awhile since marketing, and even then HR was my focus and marketing was fucking boring. There's probably a lot that I missed about how to get messaging across in an authentic way, without showboating just to do it so everybody remembers your brand, that is solely about parade floats. I'm all psychology now, and business isn't my forte.

It just feels really fucking gross to me. Like...really gross. I can't make it clear enough that I WANT these businesses to support the community. Not just the LGBTQIA community, but other super fucking important social justice communities. I want businesses to publicly support BLM, the legalization of sex work  and its recognition as valid, honest work (decriminalization is not the fucking same, cut the shit), get behind immigrants and refugees, be greener and more thoughtful about how your business affects the planet because we ALL fucking live here and we all deserve clean water, support needle exchange programs, support education and teachers and the desegration of the education system, support getting religion out of fucking EVERYTHING in the public sector. Stand the fuck up for everyone who needs standing up for, and do it every god damn day, not just when you've got eyes on you.

That's where my issue lies. I get that these companies are doing good work, I really really REALLY fucking do. And their work matters, it's important, it makes people feel seen and valid and loved and accepted and everybody, no matter who they fuck or how they dress or what they've got going on under their clothes, deserves to feel that, know that, and understand that the places they frequent prove that to them every fucking day. I do NOT want to belittle the fact that companies are validating people. Not JUST because 95% of my friend group is a member of that very community, but because we all deserve to be treated equally. It just feels so god damn self serving to announce your work with like...an airplane float and inflated airplane hats (TAKE BETTER FUCKING CARE OF THE ENVIRONMENT THE PEOPLE YOU SUPPORT LIVE IN, GOD DAMMIT!!!!! BE CONSIDERATE OF ALL OF US WHEN YOU ADVERTISE WITH PLASTIC!!!! FUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!), because as an outside observer, I do not feel like you are best representing the community, I feel like you are only representing yourself and if you can scream "PRIDE!" while you're doing that, then you win twice. I fucking hate it, it's gross, and I really fucking wish I didn't feel that way, because it puts a huge god damn damper on my gay day.

I don['t have a solution for how to walk that line, either. I want these companies to sponsor and show up, but like....in a way that really serves the community they're supporting, not their bottom line. Car dealerships trotting out their cars, but with pride flags on them? UGH. CAN WE FUCKING NOT. Stickers with your logo, but a pride flag? CAN WE FUCKING NOT.

I want to end this by saying that I understand there is lots of room for critique in my opinion here, and as I am not really a member of the LGBTQIA community, my opinion may be flagrantly repugnant and I should absolutely shut this shit down. I am not trying to speak on behalf of the queer community. I am not a representative, this is just how I feel as a bystander. TO ME, this feels gross. To ME. And maybe me only. I also understand that part of my business model is to donate money to groups that support causes that are related to the types of shoots I do. I want to make sure that's known, but I grapple with shit like that, too. Because I understand that it's just good marketing to let people know I care about things and that their hiring me doesn't just give ME money, but supports communities that need it, but I also understand that the BEST thing I can do, right now in the place that I'm in with the resources I have, is put money into the things I believe need my support. I've thought about only writing a blurb about doing this on my website. Or about writing a bit in fine print at the very bottom of each webpage about how shoots like these donate to X group that benefits X thing. I've also thought about not announcing it at ALL and just doing the god damn thing, and I think that's most in line with the gripe I laid out here. I don't need to announce myself as a supporter of causes, I can just...you know...fucking support them. I can show the fuck up when they need me to show up, I can vocalize when it's beneficial to THEM and not ME, and I can always opt to only ever vocalize and support on behalf of myself rather than on behalf of my business. Do I want people to know I care about them and include them and see them as equal and validate them and all of that? Fuck yeah I do! Is it really good marketing to announce that shit as a business? It really is. Because I want to include the people who have my beliefs, and I don't want to include the people who disavow inclusivity of any kid, or kindness to humans from any walk of life. What better way to do that than by using causes as a beacon?

But at the end of the day, I feel gross about that. I've neglected writing about it on my website because it makes me feel slimy inside. I've been wrestling with it for weeks and weeks, and yesterday at Pride I felt pretty resolute in not using my beliefs as a marketing tool. If my work (and treatment of my clients) doesn't speak for itself, then I don't deserve the business of ANY community. No matter what parades I attend, or what causes I throw money at, or how I brand myself.

Knew him? He was delicious!

Gabriel joined the GSA a few weeks ago, and I was so thrilled that there was

A) a GSA for him to join
II) Activism in his middle school PERIOD

It absolutely delighted me, and when Gabriel came back from his first meeting last week, decked out in Ally stickers and talking about proper use of pronouns, I was full up on good feelings.

Gabriel came home yesterday from GSA and when I asked him how it went that day, we had the following conversation:

Gabriel: It went ok. My teacher said we are changing the name to Activism Club.
Me: Wait, what?
Gabriel: Yeah. She said that a lot of parents may not like the name Gay Straight Alliance, so we're changing it to Activism Club so we can get club funding and also maybe get more members!
Me: Oh. I see.

And then he told me they made posters about the things they feel passionate about, like his friend made a poster about endangered sea turtles, and he said he made a poster about not bullying gay kids (though he really stammered through it, so I suspect he made a poster about something else, but he wanted to impress his mom), and the whole time, I was absolutely fuming.

I want to make one thing clear: I totally and completely understand where his teacher is coming from. Getting club funding is super important (as I learned when I was meeting up with my fellow Philosophy Club founders...I had never even thought of funding being an issue, but uh, I guess it is?), and of you know that bigots are going to possibly keep you from getting the funding you deserve, maybe you appease the bigots to make sure you get funding so you can keep doing the good work that needs to be done. Got it.

But...

I mean, isn't this...isn't this ALSO exactly why we need GSA? I mean, honestly, I wish the name itself was more inclusive, because trans youth may not be gay, most lesbians I know don't like being called gay, they prefer lesbian, nobody I know that's bi wants to be called gay because that's not accurate...but I mean, GSA the organization as a whole seems pretty inclusive of all of that. I guess...I guess whatever? GSA is GSA.

But GSA is supposed to be an ally network for kids in the queer community, and that's kinda supposed to teach straight kids that like...there's nothing wrong with being queer****. It feels like kowtowing to sensitivities about the words "gay-straight alliance" sends the wrong message. It feels like it says that, while yes, we will tell you behind closed doors that you can be out and proud and there's nothing wrong with you for loving who you love, and being intersex doesn't make you fucked up, and knowing you were born in the wrong body isn't a mental illness, what we need to do is make the world more comfortable and we do that by pretending to be something we are not. You know, for you.

I don't like that. I don't like that one fucking bit. Because if I can see that....what do queer kids see? What do straight kids who want to be queer allies see? That the best way to deal with anything is to pretend you're something else? To appease the masses by being inauthentic...at YOUR expense? I don't think this is a huge leap in logic to make. I think this is LOUD subtext that kids will pick up on, and it's wrong. I think it's super fucking wrong. Kids shouldn't think that they should hide themselves because other people may not like it and they can have an easier access to privilege and an all around less messy time if they glaze over their identities and label themselves as anything but who they are. Allies shouldn't think that the answer to the issues members of the LGBTQIA+ community are having is to just be something else. That isn't a fucking option. You can't be not gay, you can't be not trans, you can't be anything but the glorious you that you were born. It is an absolutely privileged response to a bigoted problem that GSA should know better than to give in to. We don't break down barriers in regards to social acceptance and equality by hiding. That's some bullshit. I am really, really wanting to text Gabriel's GSA leader and be like, what the actual fuck, friendo, this isn't the way to handle this.

Here's what's stopping me:

I cannot speak for the queer community because I'm not a member of the queer community.

I'm going to sidebar my initial point for a moment to talk about myself. When I was 13, I had a friend named Krista. Krista told me she was gay, and I was like, ok, cool, and she was like, but I can't tell my mom. And I was like, why? I didn't understand that telling your parents you didn't like "who you were supposed to like" might present a problem. I just figured that if you're a girl and you like girls, then you like girls. I didn't even understand why coming out was a thing, because like, I never had to announce that I was straight. I didn't have to be like, "mom, dad, I like boys". I couldn't process heteronormativity at 13, but I understand at 35 that of COURSE I didn't have to announce that, because I was the default. I was what everybody was supposed to be. I wanted to get involved with genitals that looked nothing like mine, so I didn't have to say a word. Krista, however, was supposed to explain herself. She had to like...be contrite about not wanting to be involved in penises and their shenanigans or some shit. Coming out is expected of people who aren't "normal", but I really didn't get that. Krista said she knew her mom was going to be upset about it. Krista's mom had always seemed really nice to me, and I just didn't get her fear. So I marched home, and sat down with my mom in the living room, and I said, "mom, what would you say if I were gay?"

I don't remember my mom's answer, though I think this was at a time in her life when she was far more accepting of things. My recollection of the END of the conversation was her asking me why I asked, and me saying, "no reason" and going back into my room to puzzle why Krista should be scared if my mom didn't seem all that put out. I do think my mom assumed I was coming out to her, and that didn't even cross my mind until a little bit later, and I won't even lie, I panicked a bit over my mom thinking maybe I was gay, because I wasn't gay. And even THEN, my dumb ass couldn't process that panic as validating Krista's fear.

Cut to me being older, though not by much. When I was 19, I played a LOT of XBox Live. I had a clan of other female players, and we really stomped the fucking boys into the god damn dirt on Rainbow Six. We called ourselves The Kittens, and we all had xxadjectivekittenxx screen names. I was xxKinkyKittenxx, and I can't remember the names of the other girls, but we had Steph (who I believe went on to play competitively for X-Box. As a legit profession), Sam, and Jen. Jen lived three hours away from me in California, so we started going off and seeing each other, because why not? She provided me a great escape from Chris, and she was super duper nice, AND her mom made empanadas every time I came to hang out. Whether or not that was the real draw, I can't be sure, except it was. Empanadas are everything right with the world.

Jen liked this boy online, and one day, we were skyping with him and his friend, and one of them was like, hey, you guys should kiss. And Jen and I were like, I mean...why? And they told us it was super hot and we were both super hot, so like, duh, that's just sound math. hot plus hot equals girls should kiss. So we looked at each other, shrugged, and made out for a bit. Which, I mean, the dismount from a kiss you're somewhat pressured into that you wouldn't initiate yourself? Awkward. What are you supposed to do? I have never ever figured out the answer for this, so any time I've EVER made out with a girl, I just kind of hope that either one of us dies while we're kissing so I can focus on that emergency instead of figuring out what to do when we stop kissing, or that we just kind never stop kissing. For all eternity. Because that would ALSO free me from the awkward moments after the kiss is over.

The boys were thrilled, Jen told me I was a good kisser, I told her she was a good kisser, and that was kind of that. We were both far more flirtatious with each other after that, and whether that was for the benefit of the boys watching, or because kissing someone is hot when they're good at it, I can't say for sure. I thought about it a few more times over that weekend and I was like, hm. Should I try and kiss her again? Making out is hella fun, and she's good at it! And the rest of my brain was like, do you even like girls? And i didn't answer myself.

Jen isn't the only girl I've made out with. I've made out with loads of girls, all at the behest, and to the adoration, of the male gaze. And every time I'd get a little bit of a sexual thrill out of it and I'd ask myself...uh, do you maybe want to kiss girls and mean it? But I never had an answer.

My very best friend in the world, Amber, is bisexual. For her, she didn't have the luxury of being able to make out with girls and walk away from it with no confusing repercussions. She's bi, that's what it is. She was telling me the other day that she never wanted to tell people she was bi because she read a blog about another bi woman that had a blurb about being afraid that her bisexuality would make her a target for slings about how she was just making out with girls for attention, and it made her a slut. I felt a pang of guilt about that, because I totally made out with girls for male attention, and while I think the term slut should be reclaimed and worn proudly by women in the same way that men get to, I was approaching bisexuality from...I mean...a slutty angle. I wasn't necessarily expressing a valid sexual desire, I was just dicking around. Because as a straight woman, I could afford to. Nobody was going to insult the hot girl kissing another hot girl in a club, because that's HOT, duh! I wasn't going to get called a dyke for that (I got called a dyke for the way I dressed when I was younger, and for my interests, and for my hair, and for my refusal to wear make up and for any other myriad reasons that kids call girls dykes ASIDE from actually...uh...being one. It never bothered me because, like I tell Gabriel, if people think the way to hurt me is to call me a dyke, the ONLY way it can hurt my feelings is if I think there's something inherently wrong with gayness. And since I do not, I shrugged it off because there are FAR worse things I can be called), nobody was going to say anything more "hurtful" than I was a slut that wanted attention. And I mean, in fairness, that's a totally legit cop. Slut? Absolutely. Wanting sexual attention? In the worst way.

I've thought about this a lot over the years. I've come to understand, as well, that sexual identity grappling is very common in people with BPD. I feel pretty confident that I am a straight woman. I've never questioned my attraction to men, never wavered in it. I've never really felt an attraction to women in a way that was anything other than, "shit, she's super hot. That's intimidating! But good for her! Also I need to lose a thousand pounds and get a breast lift and dress better and learn to do my fucking make up because I feel sexually less than" on an attraction's own merit. I have, however, gotten a sexual thrill out of kissing other women, but only AFTER the fact, and that...THAT has been confusing. I am not attracted to women...per se...I am just attracted to sex. So like I said earlier, I do not really think I am a member of the queer community, but can I see a scenario where I maybe found myself making out with a woman for some problematic attention and MAYBE wanting to do more because she's super hot and a wicked good kisser? I don't see why the fuck not. I don't know if this is right, and I feel VERY weird about saying it because if I'm getting my wires crossed, I don't want to look like an asshole, but if I had to identify as ANYTHING other than straight, I think I may be pansexual. Very honestly, I just want to like...fuck stuff. Genital stuff. I am not sure that it really matters what kind of genitals they are, or how the person attached to them identifies. Doing sexy stuff is a turn on, and it's not like you have to rev me up very far for me to just shout at you, "ok, well, we should just fuck now". Which is 100% what I said to my husband on our first date even though I told him WAY before the date that we wouldn't be fucking. And I didn't shave my legs or neaten my vagina so my self-consciousness about looking like a messy sasquatch vagina having bag of bitch would keep me from slooting all around his dick parts. I just want sex when I want it with whomever I am sexually engaged with. If that makes me bi, I guess it makes me bi, but I don't think that's right. Pan feels the most secure, but there's a guilt or a weirdness there, because I feel like I'm somehow wrong in assessing myself as such. I have no idea. It's something I think about a lot because I stress authenticity to my son, and if I can't be a good example, how can I expect him to know what being authentic really looks like?

Anyway, so, the point of that is to say that I am (probably) not a member of the queer community. And I have a lot of reservation about taking up the wrong end of a cause because what if my privilege has given me a blind spot? What if I'm not seeing the reality of a situation because I've gotta be WOKE BAE and that keeps me from being truly insightful to why and how things are going down the way they do?

Amber suggested I speak to my friends who ARE members of the queer community, and I told her that, while yes, that's a good call, and yes, that's why I'm speaking to her about it in no small measure, no group is a monolith, and having all of my queer friends tell me they're in my corner and speaking up is the right thing to do doesn't necessarily make me right. I get very twisted up about things like that, and I'm not really sure why. I think...I think I just don't want anybody to find flaws in my allyship, because while I totally recognize that I have SO FUCKING MUCH to learn about how to be an ally, and I am always trying to be a better ally, I also have an irrational fear that if I step one toe out of line, every group I try to be an ally for will shout that I'm a charlatan and I'll be excommunicated for crimes against marginalized groups.

I know that's not real. Every time I've fucked up, someone has ALWAYS been gracious enough to do more emotional labor than they should have to by teaching me how I went wrong, why it's wrong, and fielding all of my defensive questions until I see the error of my ways.

I'm still working on whether or not I ask Gabriel's GSA leader about this, and if it should be made a big deal of. If anybody passing by my blog has any input, and I'd really rather the input come from people who something like this affects, please please PLEASE share it with me. I want to know what Ishould do, because this really doesn't sit right with me.


**** A note about my use of the word "queer": I do not use this term as a pejorative. I use the word queer in an attempt to embody ALL of the experiences of the LGBTQIA+ community, because there is a fuckload of intersection and listing them all every time I want to talk about the community as a whole would be inefficient. While I 1000% believe in naming people as they identify, I think this best sums up my use of the word queer, from Tolerance.org:

We recognize the complicated history of the word queer and that its reclamation as a positive or even neutral term of identity isn’t universally accepted. In this guide, we use queer as an inclusive term to refer to those who fall outside of cisgender or heterosexual identities—not as a pejorative.” 

This usage came from a desire to be inclusive. The LGBTQ community—by definition—encompasses a diverse range of identities and experiences. There is no perfect umbrella term to encapsulate that community, no acronym that can contain all of its beautiful nuances. But we felt queer—defined in our guide as a reclaimed term that “describes sexual orientations and gender identities that are not exclusively heterosexual or cisgender”—came the closest. 

In an internal memo, we concluded that the word queer and adding Q to the acronym served several inclusive purposes: 1) It’s gender-neutral. 2) It allows us to acknowledge identities left out by “LGBT,” such as intersex people. And 3) it allows us to include members of the community from cultures that express non-heterosexual, non-cisgender identities with different words and customs. This includes two-spirit individuals such as the winkte of the Lakota people or the nadleeh of the Navajo people. This includes hijra people from India. This includes māhū people from Hawai’i. This includes black people who prefer a term like same-gender loving to gay due to the latter’s Eurocentric roots. We wanted a word that signaled an inclusion of all identities and, again, queer felt the closest—a word that has come to represent a fluid range of people’s truths. 

It is a word we use with respect and love. A word that some of us at TT wear as members of a diverse coalition, hardly homogenous and difficult to describe with mere words."

I would eat his heart in the marketplace

I've jumped back into getting everything going for photography again. I went and talked to my shrink a few weeks ago (about a month ago, actually) and expressed my anxieties regarding my photography, and my degree, and my motivations for almost everything that can be lumped into the career aspect of my life, and today was my follow up. I let him know that I am inching toward getting everything up and running, that I've run into a lot of trouble with models flaking on me but I am now only two shoots away from being able to get marketing off the ground. and that things have been pretty good in every aspect EXCEPT school. I talked about upping my adderall because I've been really struggling with focus lately, I asked for a referral to a therapist, and I got put on an "as needed" basis with my shrink, so yay for progress!!!

I really want to chat about photography, though. I got so fired up talking to my shrink today, and when I got into the car to tell Derek about everything, we got onto the subject of my capstone project. I expressed to my shrink that I AM going to finish my degree because I'd really like to utilize psychology in my photography. Not for marketing, but as a way to create a deeper connection with the people I photograph. I joked about REALLY just looking for a way to show off to my department heads regarding my skills outside of academia, but other than that, my own experience with doing a boudoir shoot was SUPPOSED to be a cathartic one. It wound up being distinctly not that, and years and years later, I'm resentful of that, but in a way that makes me want to change how I approach my own clients. A few years ago, when I first realized my resentment toward my photographer (can't stress enough: the resentment isn't WHOLLY her fault), I wrote the missive that is now on my website (or will be, once it's up and running). During the conversation Derek and I had today, he asked me why I was so dead set on doing a boudoir shoot, because it was so expensive and I was ultimately disappointed with the experience.

I told him that I was adamant about getting them done for two reasons:

1) I was in a really bad head space in regard to my physical body. I weighed over 200 pounds, I did not see myself as sexy, and I wanted to feel, not just hear, legitimacy in Derek's reassurances that I wasn't disgusting, I was sexually valid and beautiful. I was low and I hated how I looked and I didn't yet know for sure that I had PCOS so I was frustrated with the efforts I was making to change my body with zero fruits to show for it, I just...I was suffering emotionally, and I was desperately hoping that throwing on some sexy clothes would ease my mental anguish;

2) I realized that, after being raped, I just kind of...forged ahead without quite processing how being raped changed me in regards to my sexual identity. Obviously it didn't make me gay, but sexual identity is more than just who you fuck, I personally think part of your sexual identity is how you approach your own sexuality. I've always been fairly sexually aggressive, and I can't lie, my parents telling me that I never would have gotten raped if I wasn't so promiscuous kinda got in, and...I kinda believed it. I was weird about sex for awhile. I spent a good month not wanting anything to do with sex, and then my logic caught up and realized that what my parents said was absolutely wrong. Non-promiscuous women get raped all the fucking time. Literally. All the fucking time. Someone is being raped right this fucking second. Does being a trans woman of color mean you're asking for it? Does being a straight white woman who just loves having no strings attached sex as often as she wants mean you're asking for it? Does being a virgin mean you're asking for it? Nobody asks to get raped. There is literally no life you can live that assures you not being sexually assaulted. Male or female. I knew this, it took time for my brain to boot out what my toxic fucking parents said to me, and when it did, I was like, WELL DUH. And then I went on a SUPER SEXY SEX ROMP. I fucking tore through Colorado Springs and at least half of the Denver Metro area in the span of...about a month and a half. And I stopped letting being a rape victim rule my life. I decided he didn't have power of me anymore, and I set out to prove it by throwing my vagina at any straight man who seemed interested.

Problem is, being able to fuck with reckless abandon? Doesn't mean you've processed, it doesn't mean you've sussed out if you have to forgive anybody, it doesn't mean you're ok. It took years of denial before I realized I just...I hadn't been very nice to myself after being raped because I thought I had something to prove. That being affected made me weak, so I had to be stoic. For all the survivors that couldn't "handle it", and rape survivor suicide statistics are grim, I had to soldier forward. Five years later, I can confidently say that I am so lucky, I have experienced post traumatic growth and while I wouldn't advocate rape because it has the slim chance of making you a stronger person, I came out of my rape...well....a better person. But I had used sex and sexuality as a bandaid to cover this gaping wound of sexual trauma, and I hadn't really given myself permission to be the sexual miscreant that I was before I was raped, and I loved that girl. I really and truly did. I was bold and carefree and gross and sexually shameless and I felt confident and sexy and absolutely in control. Losing the ability to be her was a real loss, and I deeply mourn that innocence and repudiation of the idea that women should be chaste and polite and never ever be the sexual pursuer. I wanted to be that again, and, while I was too married to go chasing dick in downtown Austin, giving myself permission to dictate how I was going to be sexy, and being somewhat nude in front of a stranger behind a camera, felt like a really strong way to send the ol' FUCK YOU to the part of my head and self image where my rape will always, always be.

Basically, I was trying to use a boudoir session with a photographer whose work I loved as a cure all for my fragile, rotten emotional state. Spoiler alert: It didn't work. Of course it didn't work.

Derek seemed to understand those intentions well enough, even though he did make a snarky "we could have bought two 1DSes for the money we spent on a shoot I ended up hating, which....I mean...fair. I can't say I wouldn't have offered up the same commentary if I were feeling particularly sore about dropping 4k on something Derek hated.

I ended up reading him my mission statement, which he said is too long and nobody will want to read it, AND it'll put clients off. I told him he's insane, it's going up on the website. People who see themselves in it will read it to the end, and people who don't are free to move on, but either way, it needs to be said. He agreed, with the caveat that I need to make a TL;DR version. I refused.

And then I thought about photography as a healing mechanism, and I....I got ANGRY.

I got so fucking ANGRY at my previous photographers. I would have had a longer conversation with Derek about this, but he had to drop me off and go back to work.

So, my engagement and my wedding were shot by a company called Elevate Photography. They do beautiful, beautiful work. It's clean, it's soft, it's lovely, it's personal. I love love love love LOVED my photographers, they were so fucking game to do absolutely anything we came up with, including our engagement session in an abandoned, dirty as fuck processing plant where I'm pretty sure we all actually died of hanta virus, and shooting our wedding portraits in an industrial yard that looked abandoned, breaking several trespassing laws in the process, but Ryan and Allie never batted an eye. They were excited, they loved it, and I fucking love all of our prominent wedding photos. I even love them now, despite being 15 pounds heavier in the wedding pictures and 20 pounds heavier in the engagement photos, which is really a testament to the solid work put into the shoots. They posted our sessions up in blogs, as any good photographer should be doing (I've debated making this my blog for the website, because figuring someone out personally might make you want to hire them more, but uh, I also realize I'm pretty loose lipped and honest and that might make people hate the fuck out of me. Decision pending), but given the uniqueness of our sites both for the engagement AND the wedding portraits, I was disappointed that we were never put on instagram.

Like...really disappointed. Elevate puts lots of photos on their instagram, it isn't just the award winning ones, so why not ours? From a marketing perspective ALONE we seemed like a really good pair to feature. We're an interracial couple, Derek is in the military, we have a niche interest in photography, and our backdrops weren't the ordinary "we-live-in-Colorado-so-watch-us-kiss-in-front-of-rocks" that just fucking saturates the Colorado market. I was a little shocked to never see our photos on their feed, and I really really looked. I have thought about asking them why we didn't make the instagram cut, but I never got around to it. Mostly because I didn't want to look crazy.

My boudoir shots were taken by Stormy of Rebel and Romance photography. She, like Ryan and Allie of Elevate, is a very talented photographer, and I was utterly utterly THRILLED when she responded to my message about shooting in Austin and changing her plans to be in Alabama instead (where I absolutely would have driven to so she could shoot me there). My shoot with her was difficult, for a number of reasons. I really wanted something that felt more authentic to me, and my own shoot didn't feel authentic to me, it felt authentic to her aesthetic, but I erred to her judgement because she has far more experience than I do. I figured she ultimately knew best. After the shoot was over, Stormy contacted me about writing a testimonial for her, and I wrote her one, a very gracious one, and said she could use my photographs if she wanted to. She said she'd LOVE to use my photos on her instagram!......and then she never did.

Here's the tie in to Elevate and Stormy: I cannot speak for Derek, but both instances deeply wounded my fucking ego. I think Stormy's hurt more than Elevate, though. To me, as a client, not seeing my photos posted on social media, or relegated to a blog that very few people probably read unless it's the entry they're in, makes me feel like my photos were half assed, and that I myself as a client was too ugly to be heralded as social media worthy. Half the purpose with my boudoir session was to feel physically worthy of being seen as sexual and sexually interesting and beautiful, and to see the words "I'd love to use your photos on my social media!" but then never see my face on her social media, felt like a really silent way of saying "go fuck yourself, you ugly cunt, but thanks for all this hot hot cash". Being written about on Elevate's blog like they had never experienced as adventurous a couple as Derek and I and then never featuring such interesting photos felt like I was just fed lip service.

And I mean, look.

Let's not kid ourselves. A good marketer makes you believe the truth, and a GREAT marketer makes you believe the lie. I myself seek to be a fucking dynamite marketer, which means I have to say some things that are just flagrantly untrue to clients about themselves. I do not at all hate the game being played, it's fucking marketing 101. I've got it. The difference between me and Elevate and Stormy is, I make clients believe the lie because everything I do proves that I'm not fucking lying. If I tell a client they're a fucking dynamite mermaid, you can bet your ass they're going on my instagram, and I'll have a caption that champions them. If I tell a client they are doing a great job, and they tell me I can use their photos on my instagram, you will ONE THOUSAND PERCENT see their photo on my feed, echoing the sentiment of their greatness. Will a client know if I think their photos are subpar? No. Not a fucking chance. Because I god damn understand how CRUSHING it can be to never see your session in a photographer's insta ouvre and have to reason it by saying that you understand because you're not a model.

Man. Fucking FUCK THAT.

I've had clients that have had positions of power and do not want their boudoir shots posted because their public image doesn't allow for that kind of thing. Clients in the military may not want to be posted because milk bath shots could potentially violate some such code and they don't want to push their luck. Some people just aren't confident enough to have their photos plastered on instagram because of things they're working through. This shit happens, and of COURSE you won't see those photos on my instagram. This is something I discuss with clients before they fucking shoot with me, and they have to sign either a non-image release, a partial image release (meaning I can show their photos to potential clients, but I can never post them on my website or social media platforms), or a full likeness release meaning I can do whatever the fuck I please with their images. When it's the latter, I always post them. Always. Because I can tell you from the back end that it feels hurtful and invalidating and just plain cruel to have someone shoot you and then they deem your images unworthy of being featured on their social media. From where I sit as both a client and a photographer, it says that any given client just doesn't sell you properly, regardless of the fact that they gave you their money, and all they're ACTUALLY worth is a notch on the experience belt, and whatever profit you made off of them.

Maybe photographers don't realize this. Maybe to other photographers, it's easy to just justify this away as smart marketing. My husband has suggested the same thing...that we only post photos we take of the models who have wanted to work with us. I've shot that down and told him he's fucking insane and to not showcase clients who have no problem being showcased is more likely to hurt their feelings than not, and I just...I don't fucking want to do that to people. It feels lousy having had it done to me TWICE. Three times, really, because my wedding and engagement were two different things.

I am not great at instagram. I don't post a lot, I really need to work on my presence. I've been dodgy on working the last couple of years because I just fucking haven't had the time, despite having the desire. I haven't shot as often as I'd like to, but here's my outlook:

If every single session I do isn't worthy of being put on instagram, I am ripping off my clients and I am no better than a snake oil salesman. If I don't put at LEAST one photo from every shoot I do on instagram, it's going to look like I just hate the product I'm producing. Nobody wants to buy from a snake oil salesman that doesn't even believably buy into his own snake oil. Making people believe the lie is god damn critical, and I just...I don't believe the lie I was sold by Elevate and Stormy.

Should my photos be enough? Maybe? I don't even know anymore, because I seriously look at us not being featured on any social media as them recognizing that our photos are not among their best. That the people they are shooting are not attractive enough to garner them new interest in their services. I cannot speak for all people, as I'm sure I am far from the only person that Elevate hasn't posted, and that Stormy hasn't posted, despite giving the go ahead to be put on instagram AND despite being told enthusiastically that using my photos on instagram would be great. Maybe 99.9% of the other people whose photos have never seen the social media light of day shrugged it off without thinking twice about it, and I wish I could do that, too. Maybe it's because I have to scrutinize photos from sessions to determine which ones are worth posting, maybe that gives me a different perspective than other clients have. Whatever it is, I have it, and I can't shake it off.

I truly do not think there is anything more necessary for photographers than to have their own photoshoots done. It's so fucking humbling, and such a learning experience, and I refuse to believe that there isn't a single soul that wouldn't come out of it with a better approach to their clients. Either how they talk with them, or how they approach retouching, or how they approach contracts, something. They would all learn SOMETHING.

My mom taught me to always treat people the way you want to be treated, and I think we all take the line that we want people to do that with us, but when we're gruff or blunt it's only because WE would want people to be blunt with us if we were in their shoes, so being less than kind is excusable. I don't really think that way anymore. I would totally want my photos to be put on a pedestal by the people who took them, we all would if we were confident enough to have them shared. It's a kick to the fucking emotional dick to have that rug pulled out from under you while someone tells you that you're good enough to be on a pedestal on that rug. I really don't want to do that to clients, and to my knowledge, I have only done it once. Of all the people who have allowed me to post their photos, there is only one client that I haven't, and I feel really ashamed of myself for it as I've written this. I mentioned it to Derek today and he said it was a totally different scenario, and while he's kind of right, I also reflected on the way I talked about said client. And I was fucking cruel. Never ever ever to their face, but it's not like cruelty behind the back is any more acceptable. My only grace here is that this was six fucking years ago, and I've learned and grown and had my own karmic retribution for this thrown at me, so I know to be a better person today, but like...thinking about all this? I understand why a lot of people fucking hate photographers. This industry is so god damn MEAN. I am doing my best to not be a mean photographer anymore.