A) a GSA for him to join
II) Activism in his middle school PERIOD
It absolutely delighted me, and when Gabriel came back from his first meeting last week, decked out in Ally stickers and talking about proper use of pronouns, I was full up on good feelings.
Gabriel came home yesterday from GSA and when I asked him how it went that day, we had the following conversation:
Gabriel: It went ok. My teacher said we are changing the name to Activism Club.
Me: Wait, what?
Gabriel: Yeah. She said that a lot of parents may not like the name Gay Straight Alliance, so we're changing it to Activism Club so we can get club funding and also maybe get more members!
Me: Oh. I see.
And then he told me they made posters about the things they feel passionate about, like his friend made a poster about endangered sea turtles, and he said he made a poster about not bullying gay kids (though he really stammered through it, so I suspect he made a poster about something else, but he wanted to impress his mom), and the whole time, I was absolutely fuming.
I want to make one thing clear: I totally and completely understand where his teacher is coming from. Getting club funding is super important (as I learned when I was meeting up with my fellow Philosophy Club founders...I had never even thought of funding being an issue, but uh, I guess it is?), and of you know that bigots are going to possibly keep you from getting the funding you deserve, maybe you appease the bigots to make sure you get funding so you can keep doing the good work that needs to be done. Got it.
But...
I mean, isn't this...isn't this ALSO exactly why we need GSA? I mean, honestly, I wish the name itself was more inclusive, because trans youth may not be gay, most lesbians I know don't like being called gay, they prefer lesbian, nobody I know that's bi wants to be called gay because that's not accurate...but I mean, GSA the organization as a whole seems pretty inclusive of all of that. I guess...I guess whatever? GSA is GSA.
But GSA is supposed to be an ally network for kids in the queer community, and that's kinda supposed to teach straight kids that like...there's nothing wrong with being queer****. It feels like kowtowing to sensitivities about the words "gay-straight alliance" sends the wrong message. It feels like it says that, while yes, we will tell you behind closed doors that you can be out and proud and there's nothing wrong with you for loving who you love, and being intersex doesn't make you fucked up, and knowing you were born in the wrong body isn't a mental illness, what we need to do is make the world more comfortable and we do that by pretending to be something we are not. You know, for you.
I don't like that. I don't like that one fucking bit. Because if I can see that....what do queer kids see? What do straight kids who want to be queer allies see? That the best way to deal with anything is to pretend you're something else? To appease the masses by being inauthentic...at YOUR expense? I don't think this is a huge leap in logic to make. I think this is LOUD subtext that kids will pick up on, and it's wrong. I think it's super fucking wrong. Kids shouldn't think that they should hide themselves because other people may not like it and they can have an easier access to privilege and an all around less messy time if they glaze over their identities and label themselves as anything but who they are. Allies shouldn't think that the answer to the issues members of the LGBTQIA+ community are having is to just be something else. That isn't a fucking option. You can't be not gay, you can't be not trans, you can't be anything but the glorious you that you were born. It is an absolutely privileged response to a bigoted problem that GSA should know better than to give in to. We don't break down barriers in regards to social acceptance and equality by hiding. That's some bullshit. I am really, really wanting to text Gabriel's GSA leader and be like, what the actual fuck, friendo, this isn't the way to handle this.
Here's what's stopping me:
I cannot speak for the queer community because I'm not a member of the queer community.
I'm going to sidebar my initial point for a moment to talk about myself. When I was 13, I had a friend named Krista. Krista told me she was gay, and I was like, ok, cool, and she was like, but I can't tell my mom. And I was like, why? I didn't understand that telling your parents you didn't like "who you were supposed to like" might present a problem. I just figured that if you're a girl and you like girls, then you like girls. I didn't even understand why coming out was a thing, because like, I never had to announce that I was straight. I didn't have to be like, "mom, dad, I like boys". I couldn't process heteronormativity at 13, but I understand at 35 that of COURSE I didn't have to announce that, because I was the default. I was what everybody was supposed to be. I wanted to get involved with genitals that looked nothing like mine, so I didn't have to say a word. Krista, however, was supposed to explain herself. She had to like...be contrite about not wanting to be involved in penises and their shenanigans or some shit. Coming out is expected of people who aren't "normal", but I really didn't get that. Krista said she knew her mom was going to be upset about it. Krista's mom had always seemed really nice to me, and I just didn't get her fear. So I marched home, and sat down with my mom in the living room, and I said, "mom, what would you say if I were gay?"
I don't remember my mom's answer, though I think this was at a time in her life when she was far more accepting of things. My recollection of the END of the conversation was her asking me why I asked, and me saying, "no reason" and going back into my room to puzzle why Krista should be scared if my mom didn't seem all that put out. I do think my mom assumed I was coming out to her, and that didn't even cross my mind until a little bit later, and I won't even lie, I panicked a bit over my mom thinking maybe I was gay, because I wasn't gay. And even THEN, my dumb ass couldn't process that panic as validating Krista's fear.
Cut to me being older, though not by much. When I was 19, I played a LOT of XBox Live. I had a clan of other female players, and we really stomped the fucking boys into the god damn dirt on Rainbow Six. We called ourselves The Kittens, and we all had xxadjectivekittenxx screen names. I was xxKinkyKittenxx, and I can't remember the names of the other girls, but we had Steph (who I believe went on to play competitively for X-Box. As a legit profession), Sam, and Jen. Jen lived three hours away from me in California, so we started going off and seeing each other, because why not? She provided me a great escape from Chris, and she was super duper nice, AND her mom made empanadas every time I came to hang out. Whether or not that was the real draw, I can't be sure, except it was. Empanadas are everything right with the world.
Jen liked this boy online, and one day, we were skyping with him and his friend, and one of them was like, hey, you guys should kiss. And Jen and I were like, I mean...why? And they told us it was super hot and we were both super hot, so like, duh, that's just sound math. hot plus hot equals girls should kiss. So we looked at each other, shrugged, and made out for a bit. Which, I mean, the dismount from a kiss you're somewhat pressured into that you wouldn't initiate yourself? Awkward. What are you supposed to do? I have never ever figured out the answer for this, so any time I've EVER made out with a girl, I just kind of hope that either one of us dies while we're kissing so I can focus on that emergency instead of figuring out what to do when we stop kissing, or that we just kind never stop kissing. For all eternity. Because that would ALSO free me from the awkward moments after the kiss is over.
The boys were thrilled, Jen told me I was a good kisser, I told her she was a good kisser, and that was kind of that. We were both far more flirtatious with each other after that, and whether that was for the benefit of the boys watching, or because kissing someone is hot when they're good at it, I can't say for sure. I thought about it a few more times over that weekend and I was like, hm. Should I try and kiss her again? Making out is hella fun, and she's good at it! And the rest of my brain was like, do you even like girls? And i didn't answer myself.
Jen isn't the only girl I've made out with. I've made out with loads of girls, all at the behest, and to the adoration, of the male gaze. And every time I'd get a little bit of a sexual thrill out of it and I'd ask myself...uh, do you maybe want to kiss girls and mean it? But I never had an answer.
My very best friend in the world, Amber, is bisexual. For her, she didn't have the luxury of being able to make out with girls and walk away from it with no confusing repercussions. She's bi, that's what it is. She was telling me the other day that she never wanted to tell people she was bi because she read a blog about another bi woman that had a blurb about being afraid that her bisexuality would make her a target for slings about how she was just making out with girls for attention, and it made her a slut. I felt a pang of guilt about that, because I totally made out with girls for male attention, and while I think the term slut should be reclaimed and worn proudly by women in the same way that men get to, I was approaching bisexuality from...I mean...a slutty angle. I wasn't necessarily expressing a valid sexual desire, I was just dicking around. Because as a straight woman, I could afford to. Nobody was going to insult the hot girl kissing another hot girl in a club, because that's HOT, duh! I wasn't going to get called a dyke for that (I got called a dyke for the way I dressed when I was younger, and for my interests, and for my hair, and for my refusal to wear make up and for any other myriad reasons that kids call girls dykes ASIDE from actually...uh...being one. It never bothered me because, like I tell Gabriel, if people think the way to hurt me is to call me a dyke, the ONLY way it can hurt my feelings is if I think there's something inherently wrong with gayness. And since I do not, I shrugged it off because there are FAR worse things I can be called), nobody was going to say anything more "hurtful" than I was a slut that wanted attention. And I mean, in fairness, that's a totally legit cop. Slut? Absolutely. Wanting sexual attention? In the worst way.
I've thought about this a lot over the years. I've come to understand, as well, that sexual identity grappling is very common in people with BPD. I feel pretty confident that I am a straight woman. I've never questioned my attraction to men, never wavered in it. I've never really felt an attraction to women in a way that was anything other than, "shit, she's super hot. That's intimidating! But good for her! Also I need to lose a thousand pounds and get a breast lift and dress better and learn to do my fucking make up because I feel sexually less than" on an attraction's own merit. I have, however, gotten a sexual thrill out of kissing other women, but only AFTER the fact, and that...THAT has been confusing. I am not attracted to women...per se...I am just attracted to sex. So like I said earlier, I do not really think I am a member of the queer community, but can I see a scenario where I maybe found myself making out with a woman for some problematic attention and MAYBE wanting to do more because she's super hot and a wicked good kisser? I don't see why the fuck not. I don't know if this is right, and I feel VERY weird about saying it because if I'm getting my wires crossed, I don't want to look like an asshole, but if I had to identify as ANYTHING other than straight, I think I may be pansexual. Very honestly, I just want to like...fuck stuff. Genital stuff. I am not sure that it really matters what kind of genitals they are, or how the person attached to them identifies. Doing sexy stuff is a turn on, and it's not like you have to rev me up very far for me to just shout at you, "ok, well, we should just fuck now". Which is 100% what I said to my husband on our first date even though I told him WAY before the date that we wouldn't be fucking. And I didn't shave my legs or neaten my vagina so my self-consciousness about looking like a messy sasquatch vagina having bag of bitch would keep me from slooting all around his dick parts. I just want sex when I want it with whomever I am sexually engaged with. If that makes me bi, I guess it makes me bi, but I don't think that's right. Pan feels the most secure, but there's a guilt or a weirdness there, because I feel like I'm somehow wrong in assessing myself as such. I have no idea. It's something I think about a lot because I stress authenticity to my son, and if I can't be a good example, how can I expect him to know what being authentic really looks like?
Anyway, so, the point of that is to say that I am (probably) not a member of the queer community. And I have a lot of reservation about taking up the wrong end of a cause because what if my privilege has given me a blind spot? What if I'm not seeing the reality of a situation because I've gotta be WOKE BAE and that keeps me from being truly insightful to why and how things are going down the way they do?
Amber suggested I speak to my friends who ARE members of the queer community, and I told her that, while yes, that's a good call, and yes, that's why I'm speaking to her about it in no small measure, no group is a monolith, and having all of my queer friends tell me they're in my corner and speaking up is the right thing to do doesn't necessarily make me right. I get very twisted up about things like that, and I'm not really sure why. I think...I think I just don't want anybody to find flaws in my allyship, because while I totally recognize that I have SO FUCKING MUCH to learn about how to be an ally, and I am always trying to be a better ally, I also have an irrational fear that if I step one toe out of line, every group I try to be an ally for will shout that I'm a charlatan and I'll be excommunicated for crimes against marginalized groups.
I know that's not real. Every time I've fucked up, someone has ALWAYS been gracious enough to do more emotional labor than they should have to by teaching me how I went wrong, why it's wrong, and fielding all of my defensive questions until I see the error of my ways.
I'm still working on whether or not I ask Gabriel's GSA leader about this, and if it should be made a big deal of. If anybody passing by my blog has any input, and I'd really rather the input come from people who something like this affects, please please PLEASE share it with me. I want to know what Ishould do, because this really doesn't sit right with me.
**** A note about my use of the word "queer": I do not use this term as a pejorative. I use the word queer in an attempt to embody ALL of the experiences of the LGBTQIA+ community, because there is a fuckload of intersection and listing them all every time I want to talk about the community as a whole would be inefficient. While I 1000% believe in naming people as they identify, I think this best sums up my use of the word queer, from Tolerance.org:
We recognize the complicated history of the word queer and that its reclamation as a positive or even neutral term of identity isn’t universally accepted. In this guide, we use queer as an inclusive term to refer to those who fall outside of cisgender or heterosexual identities—not as a pejorative.”
This usage came from a desire to be inclusive. The LGBTQ community—by definition—encompasses a diverse range of identities and experiences. There is no perfect umbrella term to encapsulate that community, no acronym that can contain all of its beautiful nuances. But we felt queer—defined in our guide as a reclaimed term that “describes sexual orientations and gender identities that are not exclusively heterosexual or cisgender”—came the closest.
In an internal memo, we concluded that the word queer and adding Q to the acronym served several inclusive purposes: 1) It’s gender-neutral. 2) It allows us to acknowledge identities left out by “LGBT,” such as intersex people. And 3) it allows us to include members of the community from cultures that express non-heterosexual, non-cisgender identities with different words and customs. This includes two-spirit individuals such as the winkte of the Lakota people or the nadleeh of the Navajo people. This includes hijra people from India. This includes māhū people from Hawai’i. This includes black people who prefer a term like same-gender loving to gay due to the latter’s Eurocentric roots. We wanted a word that signaled an inclusion of all identities and, again, queer felt the closest—a word that has come to represent a fluid range of people’s truths.
It is a word we use with respect and love. A word that some of us at TT wear as members of a diverse coalition, hardly homogenous and difficult to describe with mere words."
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