Aside from Haleakala, this is THE thing to do when you go to Maui. You can go to the beach, of course, but I mean, it made very little sense for Derek and I to go to the beach. We fucking live a short bike ride from the beach. It would have been a waste of our time.
In case you are unaware of the road to Hana, and in fairness, there's no reason for you to be unless you are headed to Maui or have a solid travel bucket list curated, it's a long stretch of road along the edge of Maui that is chock full of scenic, photographic goodness. There is a long history lesson that I could give about Hana, and it would be barely scratching its surface because my knowledge is far from complete, but I'm not really sure I should be the person to give it. If you're interested, try and find a good place to do some historical digging into Hana. not a whitewashed version of it, a Hawaiian version of it. The internet recommended an app to use during our excursion to Hana, so we downloaded The GyPsy Guide: Road to Hana. It was informative, though EXCEPTIONALLY whitewashed and revisionist as fuck regarding the role of imperialists on the islands, and my biggest irritation is that some Canadian fuck is the voice of the app. I felt cheated and angry that they didn't utilize a native Hawaiian for this. I felt cheated and angry that they painted the takeover of the islands and the theft of water as non-hostile and necessary. The app explained the presence of non-Hawaiians on the island as an overall boon rather than aggressive erasure of cultures in the pursuit of money.
But I suppose you have to pander kindness to the audience, yeah? Can't have a bunch of white people hearing about past atrocities while taking in the scenery, now can you? No! That would just make everybody angry at your app and it would ruin sales, and tourism isn't about learning, anyway! It's about money! Derek said I should leave a review expressing that, but I feel really weird about taking umbrage with things on behalf of other people. Like maybe it isn't my place to speak out on their behalf, even though the rest of me is demanding I say something.
The guide was helpful about upcoming things to see, though I had very thoroughly researched the places I wanted to stop along the way. The itinerary I had only had us traveling the road to Hana for two days. Instead, we did the road to Hana every single fucking day. We didn't even do our Molokini snorkel cruise because I felt disgusting about contributing to the boat pollution that's slowly killing the reefs over there. Derek grumbled about it, but ultimately agreed that Road to Hana would be a better way to utilize our time.
The weather had distinct plans to keep us from thoroughly enjoying the day to the fullest, though, because day two through day 5 was rain rain rain. It didn't keep us from road to Hana, and it didn't keep us from getting out and getting muddy and soaked and taking photos, and it didn't at all keep us from having an absolute blast on any of the days where it was pouring. The only thing it REALLY kept us from was hiking down further into the waterfalls like I had planned. The light was fucking solidly diffuse, and that helped enormously with taking photos of waterfalls in the middle of the day. We only got to do one actual hike, though. I had wanted to do a lot more, but the rain definitely impeded long excursions.
So here we go! Photos from The Road to Hana.
We didn't stop at every place the app recommended, because fuck that dude, that's why. But also because parking was exceptionally limited and we would get to places too late for parking. We stopped at the first public restroom area, because I really fucking had to pee, and the app promised an amazing view. I do not qualify that view as amazing, but it isn't hard on the eyes. What that photo shows is the Kaenae Peninsula. A lot of kalo farming takes place on that peninsula. I believe I have a shot of the kalo patches from a better vantage point that comes a little later on the road.
These trees aren't special, I see trees like these all over the place, but I never stop to photograph them. I think they're so pretty. Better photographers than I have captured them, but I had to try.
Again, nothing out of the ordinary, I just really liked how the leaf looked with the decaying coconuts. Derek didn't understand what I was going for, and honestly, I didn't achieve the shot I had in my head. But I made a valiant effort.
There's my partner in crime, photographing up the trees just like I had been doing because he lacks originality. You guys, he's hot as fuck. And of course he has originality, I'm just a nasty person.
So this is inside the Kaenae peninsula. Photographically, it is amazing. The other side is just cliffs in the haze, and they look gorgeous. However, as is pretty much the theme for every photo you'll see, I just did not do a good job capturing any of the magic of where I was. Admittedly, I am not great at landscapes. Occasionally, I luck into a really good shot, but it is purely coincidental. It has less to do with skill and more to do with lucking into timing and settings that marry perfectly. I'm really drawing back the veil on myself.
While I was taking photos badly, Derek was taking photos goodly. Now, when I say I have zero originality, I mean it. Derek was photographing the fucking prettiest dragonfly I've ever seen. He was all hunched over, staying in the same spot with his long lens, so I rushed over to steal whatever good thing he'd found for himself. Because he can be an exceptionally magnanimous husband, he handed over his long lens when I whined for it, and I got a pretty solid shot of the dragonfly before it flew away.
Derek hasn't had time to go through his Maui photos yet, and I suspect he may not have the time until he returns from ALC, but this means I get my dragonfly shot out first and he gets to look like the copycat.
Directly behind the dragonfly were farmer houses. They looked pretty abandoned to me, Derek assured me they were not, but I disagree. I loved how they looked. I think I took a few shots of them on rainier days where the lighting was more intense, but I have no idea how those turned out. I'm editing on the fly, I won't even lie to you.
We hung out there longer than we intended, Derek picked up some banana bread for himself at Aunt Sandy's (I had the tiniest bite, and it was lovely).
we headed back toward the road to Hana proper. Kaenae is an off road that you don't have to take, but we opted to. And we opted to every single day. It is a lovely detour that ends with an INCREDIBLE view, and a really fucking old church that survived a tsunami in 1946 (as was told by the app, no idea if this is true, because the tsunami happened on April 1st, the community thought it was a prank and pretty much everybody fucking died. The only thing left standing was the church).
I will pat myself on the back, this shot was intentional and I am very happy with it. I have about two dozen different versions of this with different waves crashing in different places, but I liked this one the best. This little lookout is directly behind (or next to, I suppose) the church that survived the tsunami. I thought the church was really cool, but I Was very put off by the modern door and window frames. I understand them, they just bugged my aesthetic.
There were two dudes in the church when I wandered in to photograph it. They looked at my camera and assumed I meant photographic bizznizz and they sat down in the pews, which was very polite, but very unnecessary. I didn't really want a photo once I stepped inside, but I felt obligated to take a photo now that they had been polite bystanders for me, so I crouched down on the floor to grab this shot. The younger of the two gentleman watched me fairly intently, and when he saw me chimping, he walked over to stand close to my person, but behind me. I thanked them for sitting, as I felt it was appropriate, and left. Derek wandered in next and when we sat down in the car, he laughed and filled me in about the younger man biting off my style and trying to get the shot I was going for. I have to assume he saw my huge set up and assumed I knew what I was doing, and he wanted in on that professional looking action. Joke's on him, I'm terrible!!!
We were in that little crook. The road went on further, but we opted to head back to Hana Highway proper. I lied when I said that earlier. We went here first and THEN headed back to the road from whence we came.
Kaenae is fairly immediate in the drive, in relation to the entire drive. It's a stretch for sure, but it's one of the first big things. My friend Kat had instilled a fear of driving the highway in the daylight, and I definitely didn't like the idea of driving it at night, so Derek and I didn't go much further along the highway after tooling around Kaenae. It was about 4 or so when we got back to the highway, and we only went a tad further. Far enough to drive by the black beach of Honomanu Bay. The tour app said we'd never get a good photo of it from that side of the highway, but fuck that non-Hawaiian orchestrating a Hawaiian tour! He's not the boss of the world.
While that app dude may not be the boss of the world, he was kinda right about not being able to get a great shot from that side of the highway. But we got out to try anyway, as should be obvious by my fuck that guy pronouncement. I'm not wholly mad at them for posterity shots. We couldn't really turn around where we pulled off, so we had to travel up the road a little bit. I wanted to make sure I got a shot of the crusty ass, old as balls bridges on the highway, so Derek pulled off one more time for me.
I made sure to get a photo of the actual road to Hana, because I, like everybody else, I'm sure, thought it would be funny. Not as funny after the fact, but it made me laugh when I did it.
We headed back to the villa after this, and we had....seriously, the fucking fanciest god damn dinner of my life. Its price tag is rivaled only by that of the expense of the dinner bill for my wedding. It was worth it. The place is called Cane and Canoe, and it billed itself as some kind of Asian Hawaiian fusion restaurant or something. It was a lovely place, and I am positive they immediately pegged me as some asshole schlep of a gold digger, and Derek as a long suffering gentleman of means that was slumming it with a really cheap prostitute.
In layman's terms, this menu says "If you're vegan, go fuck yourself".
It was so expensive to eat there that we were the only fucking morons doing so as evidenced by the lack of other patrons.
The size of this appetizer says "expensive as fuck". It was lovely, though. It was ahi with pea shoots and watercress and black sesame seeds. I don't fucking understand expensive shit being so god damn tiny. Bitch. Feed me for real. I am fat and poor and I demand more.
This, friends, is part of why the meal was so expensive. I had a Booker's on the rocks with a splash of bitters. Not an inexpensive whiskey, but not my usual Glenfiddich 18 or Macallan 18 Sherry Oak. The neat whiskey is Macallan 25. My bourgie ass husband has been lusting after that for awhile, and the price of the neat shot of it was far less expensive than the bottle. The bottle is about...uh...3500, I believe. So if you do bartender math, you can figure out about how much that shot was. It was about the price of a car payment for a new car. It would make Solomon blush. Derek loved it, though.
That mother fucker is toasting a shot that cost more than a car, in a bespoke fucking suit. What. The. Fuck.
To continue the trend of "eating like the world is ending, so fuck our credit and fuck it good", Derek ordered a Wagyu ribeye. I sampled a little bite. It was like chewing on a cloud that tasted like blood. I didn't like it, but he did, and that's what matters. What I DID like were those fucking shishito peppers. Those are my new favorite thing to eat.
I couldn't decide between the scallops and the ahi salad, so the restaurant blended the meals for me. It was a magical decision.
Derek and I got the exact same sides. The mushroom explosion (it wasn't called that, of course) and the brussel sprouts. Considering Derek is lactose intolerant and I am a vegan 98% of the time, we shouldn't have even come within a whiff's distance of these sides. But they were decadent and delightful.
Despite the fact that, when our waitress asked if we wanted dessert and was pushing it hard enough for me to tell her no dessert, I can't have sugar, we were brought out two mini macarons.
I took the smallest bites of them I could.
They pale in comparison to the macarons I had at Sucre in Nola. They were paltry offerings and I'm pleased we didn't have to pay for them.
I do not eat like this. I am really good about sticking to a keto diet, I don't do animal byproducts or meat. I haven't for a long time. I thought I made good enough choices, no sugar, but there was sugar hiding all about the fucking thing, because I woke up at 2am that night feeling absolutely fucking wretched, and learning the lesson that I couldn't fucking trust outside food. No matter how many assurances I get from the restaurant that they will adhere to my dietary restrictions.
It wasn't worth how fucking sick I was when I woke up. Derek loved it, though, and the presentation was lovely, the setting was beautiful.
We returned to our villa and the sunset was so delicate.
We didn't have to wake up balls early the next day, the next day was another Hana day. Stay tuned, mother fuckers.
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