I would die for your sins if it would cure my boredom

Of the many many many things I dislike about myself, one of the things that's been getting under my skin the hardest lately is how I've learned to learn.

I feel so much more accomplished when I learn something myself, without someone teaching me, because it feels like a cheat, and I don't feel like I can say "look what I learned". I do not feel as gratified saying "look what someone showed me". Derek dislikes this about me, and I can tell, because we argue a lot about him trying to tell me how to do something and me getting WAY bent the fuck out of shape over it. To be fully representative of how those episodes go, I do have to disclose that Derek is mostly a hideous teacher. He doesn't so much instruct as he does condescend to you with technically valid information, and that shit just rankles my lady meats. When I go out of my way to ask Derek for advice, he is a lovely instructor. Well, mostly lovely. Still a little shit, but who among us isn't a little shit when we know we're the more knowledgeable of two people in any given situation?

I have two huge ideas that I really want to get going with our photography here, and I have this gut feeling that one of them is dynamite and would solve the problem of me feeling apathetic and unfulfilled. The other I need to work on a little more, but I also think it would be great, if it could be managed. However, I suffer from incredible crises of confidence. The truth is, I just don't think I'm truly all that great a photographer. I started photography about 16 years ago when my daughter's stale ham sandwich of a father bought me a 35mm Canon camera. I had the sneaking suspicion he had actually bought it for himself and gave it to me assuming I'd drop it and give it to him, but I didn't. I loved it. I really really loved it. The very first photos I took that made me think maybe I had a photographer's eye were of my daughter eating expired dandelions in the backyard. She was in nothing but a diaper, the background was perfectly mottled with bokeh, my daughter looked fucking adorable like she always did, it looked to me like someone who knew what they were doing had taken the photo. I am embarrassed to admit that the first thirteen or so rolls of film I bought were black and white, because of course they were. I learned to color splash like every other diligent little photographer does, I really loved taking photos of my daughter and editing them in "creative" ways. I just loved taking photos of my daughter, really.

Fast forward to...uh...seven years ago? That sounds about right. Dan bought me a camera. A Nikon D3200, and when I tell you I thought I was hot shit with that camera, I am really under selling it. I thought I took amazing photos, and I promise you I did not. I would sit and fiddle with lightroom and I made everything look like over processed garbage, and I really thought I was a great photographer. I charged for photoshoots, and got paid for them, too, when I had no business taking money from people when I was handing over the photos I took and edited. Honestly.

It's given me a huge complex, and here's why:

Seven years ago I knew nothing and I thought I was tremendous. Now I know so much and I constantly feel like I'm awful and unworthy of really putting myself out there the way that I want to. I understand cognitively that I am a way better photographer than I was. I see the mistakes I make, I can label them and then correct them, I know how to edit better, I'm just all around more knowledgeable and more experienced. But in my head, I worry that the good I think I produce now is just an aged version of the amazing I thought I was seven years ago. Like maybe I just don't know what a good photo actually is if it's coming from me.

To bring it full circle, I have shied away from like, photography classes because I feel like I have a pretty good eye, and also I don't want someone telling me what is and isn't right about photos where I'm trying to break the mold, which I'm always trying to do in some way or another. I don't want to take other people's photos, I want to take MY photos, which means people can walk out of frame all fucking day long and things can be drastically tilted or whatever it is I'm trying to do. I love feeling proud of what I create without the help of others pushing me toward creating something more like what everybody else wants. This has also kept me from learning photoshop.

I have been too proud and stubborn to learn photoshop, but finally getting in there about two years ago and starting to play around has changed the god damn game for me. I want to learn more and more and more, so I am FINALLY going to do tutorials like a student. I know a lot about photoshop already, I really do. The editing I do, I do with knowledge I've figured out, but it's such a large toolbox full of useful things, and it feels fucking stupid to know I've only been using a screwdriver when there are thousands of other things handy for my projects.

I have about 350 hours of learning ahead of me, but I am excited.

The thing that pushed me over the edge was this photo:

I got stuck trying to edit her skin. And I felt very frustrated and I knew if I just knew the fucking wealth of shit in Photoshop, I would be done and I could send it off to her and be happy about it.

I'll get back to it in 350 hours.