Against my better judgment, I went to the zoo yesterday. It was fucking cold, and snowy, and I only got two decent photos out of the deal. But I had a rare Saturday off, and I felt that was the best way to spend it. I did spend a solid ten minutes with my snow leopard. She came and visited me, and then went right back up to the top of her habitat and paced, then howled, and I had no idea snow leopards could sound like that. It made me sad. I would say I cried, but that goes without saying. I cry every single time I see snow leopards. I don't know why. They're my favorite animal.
Here's this big ol' handsome man. There was a lioness in the habitat right next to his that was caterwauling, and he was awfully interested. I wonder if there's some sort of wintery mating season going on? I really don't know much about lions, so your guess about when they actually mate in the wild is as good as mine. Considering I took this through insanely thick glass, I'm not altogether mad at it.
And then, there's Marty McFly:
He's wearing a feather poncho, and I want one, too. I had to warm this photo up a bit to make it true to life colors, but he was so adorable. I spent more time photographing him than I did anything else (I didn't even take a picture of my snow leopard. I never do. She's too special). I did spend a good amount of time photographing alligators, but those photos didn't turn out nearly as crisp as I had been hoping for, so I got angry and scrapped them. Two hours at the zoo in five degree weather, and I left with two photos to show for it.
I have to get back to writing my paper. I'm giving a presentation on mental illness in two days (specifically, I'm giving a presentation on abolishing the psychiatric labeling system currently in place for mental illness), and I need to fine-tune it.
I got a little bit tipsy last night and fell asleep watching a movie. I didn't feel sorry for myself. I did have pangs of feeling exceptionally angry, but not the way you might suppose. I felt angry at people who give me sympathy. I posted about being raped on Facebook a few days ago. My intention wasn't to get attention, or to have people engage me in conversation, but perhaps I should have expected that. When the sympathy comments flooded in, I didn't feel gratitude, I felt annoyed. And angry. Don't get me wrong, I know that these people just want to let me know that they care, and that they support me. I know they have no idea that their sympathy makes me angry. And under different circumstances, a good deal of the things people said to me would have made me exceptionally pleased. But not in this case. I just kind of wanted people to read what I had to say, and be aware, and then to move on with their day.
I didn't cry yesterday, but I'm crying now. Andes had a stroke this morning, and now he's in death pose, breathing in a very labored way, and I know he's going to be dead when I get home. He can't move. I took him out and sat with him on the floor, bawling my ass off, and that just broke the floodgates. Now it's everything. Everything that's been weighing on me lately is coming up.
I think the thing I'm most upset about is how disappointing people can be. I try and have little to no expectations of people, because I know the second I do, they're going to let me down. That's just how life goes. But every once and awhile, I think that someone is actually going to come through and do what they say they're going to. When they don't, it ruins me.
I'm supposed to go out tonight, but I don't think that's going to happen. Perhaps that's for the best. I can just hole myself up in my room and do my homework. Or drink myself into a hard sleep. I don't care. It doesn't ultimately matter.
On the positive side, it is important for me to recognize again that it;s been nine months since I was raped, and I am ok. It doesn't mess with me nearly as much anymore, and I can go weeks without having a nightmare, or thinking about it, or feeling paranoid. Getting the texts from him fucked with me a bit, but that was a couple of months ago, and I haven't heard anything since. I don't feel sorry for myself, and I don't feel like it was my fault. That's quite the accomplishment. If I can jump over the hurdle of occasional fear, I'll be happy. And that day will come, I think. A fortune cookie Dan opened once said, "The Great Wall didn't got build in one day", and as hilariously bad as that sentence is, it's become my mantra, just as it is. I constantly tell myself that the great wall didn't got build in one day, just like that, and it both makes me giggle and calms me down. I don't have to be 100% over it. But I'm working on it.
I might go out and take some photos this weekend to clear my head. Perhaps I'll go creep on people at Starbucks. I do miss that.
It's this kind of morning. I've been listening to this on repeat. Fun fact: I got a tattoo because of this song. A very literal tattoo. It's one of my favorites.
I played Dragon Age: Inquisition today. It looks amazing.
Now I'm going my homework, and I don't know why, but I can't get this song out of my head:
I didn't mean to think of the song, and there's a memory there, too. Which I'm just kind of suppressing, because it's distracting.
Nine months today. It's been nine months. I didn't fucking crumble. I'm doing just fine, thank you very much. I was supposed to go to a support group this morning, but I decided not to. I hate the sympathy and the knowing looks. I stayed home, and Dragon Age was far more fun.
I have to finish my homework now, though. Blast. Keep it coming, Righteous Brothers.
It's almost midnight. I had an extremely long study group tonight, which I spent a thoroughly enjoyable batch of hours bossing everyone around in. Now I'm sitting on my bed in giving up on life pants, drinking rum and pepsi, eating a small bag of popcorn, and listening to Badfinger.
It's one of those evenings, I guess.
I think it's the weather change. Winter showed up with some serious intent last night, and it's been snowing like some kind of simile. I love being home for this weather; there's something wonderful about it. It's so quiet and still, and sitting inside and watching it from my bed (which is right next to the window) feels like watching the world grind to a halt, and I'm the only person that knows.
I had every intention of studying for my exam tomorrow, but I think that's a waste of the weather. I think I'm going to fix myself another drink, bundle up in my blanket, and read a book. A book that is decidedly NOT a textbook. It feels like a Gaiman kind of night.
I've registered for my next semester. I'm taking all of my classes online so I can get a different job. It's not that I don't like the work environment I have now, it's just that I need to work more hours, and I need to make more money. If they'd give me the Monday-Friday full time shift at my office, I'd stay. Even with the pennies I work for. I do like it there. I like my boss, I like my co-workers (even though one of them specifically is the laziest), I love the office. But I can't fucking afford it anymore.
Today has been the kind of where I'm just like...fuck it. I don't even care anymore. I hate everything today, just dispassionately.
But, in case anybody is curious, here are the classes I'm taking in January:
Psych 2
Abnormal psych
Philosophy of religion
Women in world history
I'm taking an insanely light load next semester, due to trying to find another job, and trying out the purely online thing. I'm glad my campus offers that. I need a bit of break from being gone every single mother fucking day of my life. But I don't want an actual break from school. This is the best way to accomplish that. I just want to lock myself in my room, hang out in my panties, and watch lectures from my computer. If all I have to do is go to campus to take a test, I'm good with that.
It's insanely windy out. I'm going to stay home and do yoga instead of running. I think I'd get blown over.
I've been in an entirely too shit mood for the last few days. I'm either ragingly upset, desperately sad, or overly hostile. I've been so busy that I haven't even noticed how overwhelmed I am. And this is taking on the character traits of an incredibly nasty downshift.
They've been fairly minimal for the last few months. Not minimal as in not there, just minimal as in a few days of being unlike myself, and then I feel better again. This is different.
I'm going to watch The Disappearance of Eleanor Rigby, which is going to hurt my feelings, I'm god damn sure of it. I'm just in one of those moods.
I went and saw Interstellar last night, because obviously. I've been waiting for it for years. And it was worth every second of waiting. It was absolutely gorgeous. It also hurt my feelings, however. I cried a lot. Oh, well. I cried right into my Cherry Icee and nobody in the audience gave a fuck. I sat by myself and bawled my little heart out. So good. Go see it. It's brilliant and beautiful. Also kind of easy to call, but then again, I've always been good at that.
I'm going to make myself some popcorn and watch this movie so I can get into a good, long funk. Sounds healthy.
Equally as healthy is tomorrow morning's booze-o-rama for breakfast. Two dollar mimosas and a Mexican food brunch? Um yes please. I WILL be attending that, thank you very much, and I will not give a shit if people look at me sideways.
On a positive note, I've really started to enjoy my own company. There's something immensely lovely about taking myself out to a movie, or a meal, and bringing a book that I can read while not giving an iota of a fuck about people looking at me. Though the book only comes out if I'm eating somewhere. It's not so good to bring a book to a movie. I have poor eyesight, anyway.
Photos were cancelled for today. It's better this way, I suppose. It gives me more time to do my paper. Also to fuck around on my blog, as I'm clearly doing right now. My house is empty and quiet, so I'm listening to VanMorrison and singing at the top of my lungs.
My morning booze-a-thon has worn off, and I think I can finally concentrate. My muscles are super sore from working out yesterday (especially my bad arm), but I'm kind of excited to go back and work out again today. I'm only doing boxing on the weekends, and I'm running three days a week. I was going to wait until the semester was over, but this really helps me clear my head.
My long hair gets taken out tomorrow. I think my hair is too fine to stay in the braids, so the braids come undone, and the extensions become loose. I must look hideously messy, though nobody tells me I do. They're just being kind. I think I look terrible. I love having long hair, but it will be nice to just have my reliable, not bizarrely loose-looking hair back.
One more month, and I'll be spending the day shooting a wedding. I'm starting to get nervous. I tried to find a second on a photographer website, and I've talked to a couple of people, but I think I'm going to be just fine on my own. I'll sling both camera bodies on my person, with a 70-200 on one and a 27-70 on the other, and I'll just keep the other lenses in a....I don't know. Do they make camera lens fanny packs? Lugging around my gear bag would look clunky and bizarre. Whereas a fanny pack would look sleek and COOL and not at all lame or unprofessional.
I'm telling myself that if I finish my paper tonight, I can spend the evening in my room, listening to music, painting, and drinking. This is an amazing motivator. So I suppose I should go finish this paper. I really want to spend my night painting. Also, if I finish my paper tonight, I can spend tomorrow after I Get out of class driving around and taking photos. I haven't done that in ages. Because the laptop decided that it wanted to be possessed again, I had to wipe the entire thing, and the laptop was out of commission for two whole days. But the good news is, I now have Lightroom 5 instead of 4, AND I have Canon's HDR processing software (it apparently comes with their cameras when you purchase them. Hooray!), so I want to go out and take more photos and see if I can hone my skills in on this whole HDR thing. It's fancy. I like it. But I want to do it well, and not be disgusting about it.
Which reminds me....
I referenced this photo the other day, but I realized after said reference that I hadn't actually posted it on here. So I may have made myself look like I'm shaped like an idiot.
But there it is, with whispers of crepuscular rays all about the thing.
