Forty Pounds of Wet Corn: Colorado day eleven

Today was going to be SUCH an amazing day! The morning was a little less than stellar, just because I still had to talk to my dad and Caryn for Derek, and make his apologies for him (which I wasn't stoked about, but I also know how Derek can get WAY into his head about embarrassment, and if he was brave enough to admit he was wrong and to be vulnerable enough to say he was embarrassed, who am I o kick him when he's down?), but once we got all of that out of the way, everything was golden.

Well, mostly. 

I had still not messaged Stevie, for several reasons. Top among them being that I just didn't fucking have signal. I was out in the middle of nowhere. I had explained this to her the day we hung out, it seemed like an obvious reason for me to not be responding. Another reason being I was on vacation with my family, and while her main character syndrome thinks that my not seeing her for six years in person was enough that I should be neglecting my family in favor of her, I disagreed. The third reason being that the last couple of days had been a LOT for me emotionally, and I was just kind of only dealing with the things that are a top priority for me. You know who I was talking to during my vacation? My kids. That's it. I sent a text or two to Bri, a text or two to Cabbage, but that was it. I had been holding in a LOT, and I just did not have the energy to add Stevie to the pile, because she is a mental task all on her own. When I say she has main character syndrome, I mean it. IF you're able to get in anything about yourself and she responds for more than one sentence, it is nothing short of miraculous. Usually all Stevie has space for is herself and the shit going on in her world. Not knocking her for it, I'm just saying that the last few years, friendship with her has been draining and like, she was not on my list of places to invest my energy in while I was traveling. 

I get a message from her saying that she didn't know what she expected from me after telling me I hurt her feelings, but it wasn't silence. And I'm not going to lie, I was massively fucking irritated by this. Like, look. I know it is not my place to tell someone how to feel, but we are adults. If you get your feelings hurt because I go to eat somewhere that you designated as "ours" without you, I am not in control of that. I did not agree to nostalgic starvation to suit her, and above that, I did not view it as a place that was for her and I. I fucking took EVERYONE there. The first person I went to Little Nepal with? Derek. It was one of our first dates. After that, I was fucking obsessed. I took Stevie there, I took Allen there, I went there with Vin and Erica, I went there by myself, I went there with work friends. The food is delicious, the ambience is exactly what it should be, Little Nepal knows what i t is and delivers on exactly its premise, and it is just a great fucking place. I think Stevie thought that, because we went there together anytime I came into town that that made it special to us, when the reality is...I just wanted to eat there first and I knew we both liked it. But I ate there ALL THE TIME without her. 

I wasn't going to respond to her, because I was with my family, we had all JUST gotten over our collective bullshits with each other, and I didn't want her to spoil the mood with her me me me Stevie shit. I thought about it for a bit and decided to respond, because I needed to clear THAT air. So I did. I said the following:

First of all, I told you when you were dropping me off that I would message you when I got back from Durango because I wouldn't have signal for several days. It sucks that you forgot that enough to send me a message that implies something pretty shity, like I am intentionally ignoring you. Second of all, I haven't listened to your message because I haven't had signal to allow it to play. So I have no idea whatt you said. Third of all, if you're hurt hat I went to Little Nepal without you, that really sucks, but I do no view that as our place, it is a place we have gone together. I still can't listen to your message, so I'm only guessing, bu if that's what hur your feelings, I am not going to apologize for breaking some pact to only go there with you that I never agreed to. I am vacationing with my family, I needed to eat, and I wanted Little Nepal. Again, it sucks if that hurt your feelings, but I am not responsible for that. 

If I'm incorrect and your message is about something else, we can certainly address that, I shouldn't have assumed it was about Litle Nepal. But I was not ignoring you, and I kind of resent that you implied I was. I told you where I'd be, I told you I would be without signal for days, and you also know I'm with my family. Even if I could respond to you with immediacy, you have no idea what's been going on in my world, or what I'm dealing with, and a simple, "hey can we check in abou my message?" would have been a lot less aggressive than "I don't know what I expected from you, but it wasn't silence".

And that was twelve days ago. She never responded. This is not necessarily a bad thing. Over the last few years, I have tried to have conversations with Stevie about how things are very one sided in our relationship...it's been a long time since I bothered with that, definitely several years. Maybe four? Around the time I moved here? I know it was when one of her friends told her they couldn't be friends anymore, and I was like, honestly I can see their point. But I haven't tried since, because no movement ever lasts, and seting boundaries with Stevie isn't very effective. Derek has been referring to my conversations with her as "The Stevie Show" for several years now. Almost as long as I've been trying to match her energy because maybe that's fine for her? Maybe what she wants is a friendship where everyone just breezes past what people say and just talks about their own shit in a never endingly selfish round robin fashion. That has also been exhausting. On my end, our friendship has been drifting along in an increasingly frustrated liminal space where I am unsure of how to like....get off the ride. Maybe that was our last stop. And if that's the case, it's ok. Not all friendships are built to last, and I think we should normalize th idea that sometimes, people leave our lives, and the leaving isn't always amicable. It's totally ok. 

But while I was venting my way through all of that, we were on our way to Mesa Verde. Derek and I were so fucking excited!!! We had to have an early sart, and it was a bit of a drive to the park, but we were rolling and bristling with excitement. Derek and I wanted to get back to do the petroglyphs trail, and see the biggest dwellings in the park, as we hadn't seen them the first time we came together. I will tell you right now that neither of those things happened. Did I say there was a lot of pivoting this rip? Because here was so much pivoting. But the pivots here turned out to be INCREDIBLE. 

First of all, we were there during a super gorgeous day. Itt was warm out for sure, but it was gorgeous out. Bright blue sky, sparse clouds, the air smelled so freshy, it was divinity. We stopped into the museum first, I was wholly unimpressed. A lot of the wording bothered me. I did notice that the NPS has "partnered" with the tribes of the are to make sure that their exhibits are more correct and inclusive, but even that feels like...fucking grimy. Like, here, please help us put the correct words on these artifacts that were stolen from your people! What's that? No, you can't have them back, jus write us a good blurb. Thanks!

Alright, so tthese did not upload in order, and I don't know why, so I'm just going tto leave them as they are. It's a cell phone photo dump of various places inside Mesa Verde. 

Oh oh! Those two are from the trailhead to Balcony House, which we could not take without a scheduled tour, but a very nice ranger told us a trail we COULD take to get a very nice view of Balcony House. 

Aha! Here is Derek at the end of th trail to get the nice view of Balcony House! I wonder if Balcony House actually had a name? Like, my house doesn't have a name. Do any of these places have actual names, or were they just like...home? Doesn't that feel strange? I don't know. 

I laughed for awhile at this log. It looked like a moose eating a big branch to me. 

Oh oh oh!! So we kept seeing holes and webs, and we couldn't determine if these were tarantulas or some other kind of spider. Derek took these photos so we could research what they were. I just did a small little info dive, and I feel confident in saying these are tarantula burrows, but I will do more digging later. 

Found a little friend as we neared the end of the trail!

Derek opted to photograph him. I did not. But I love my friend's little face!!! Little friend also had the prettiest blue tum tum. 

I remember the first time Derek and I came here, I was OBSESSED with all of these burnt trees. Given that I had about twenty seven photos of them that I tossed from this trip, it seems I still am. 

Being in and around this site felt like such a privilege. It was incredible. I wish I had done a better job at taking photos of the explainers. I have spent about an hour trying to find a website that is helmed by Pueblo people so there was an accurate telling of their traditions, their history, all of it...but I could only find book recommendations. I did find this but I am unfamiliar with the organization, and it could take days of digging to see how legit they are. It feels a little dicey and squirrely...an about us with no actual us and just vague shit? Immediately makes me suspicious...bu I will leave it until I know more. 

The top view of Sun Temple! I just raised my phone  up to get this, I didn't climb on anything. 

Through the window at Sun Temple!!

That light is INCREDIBLE. I believe that is Cliff Palace. Again...was it actually called anything? What was its real title? Or was it just like...you know. Home?

The sun setting through Mesa Verde was so beyond incredible. We turned around to stop at this overlook, but the best of the light had gone away by the time we arrived. 

And this photo was one of my favorites of the day!! We were at one of the many many MANY overlooks, taking photos, and I saw what I thought was a bird of prey, so I followed it with my camera and noticed i was, in fact, a vulture. BUT when I zoomed in, I saw three little beebee vultures!!!! I was so excited!!! I don't think that any of the photos of them will turn out very well, I was on our Tamron 100-600 which is not the greatest qualiy lens, and it's also VERY HEAVY so I was shaking a bit, but we'll see when I finally go through everything!!

Cuties!!

We had been exploring the park all day, we were all very tired and hungry, so we made our way back into Durango to go to Steamworks for dinner, another place that Derek and I ate like fools at he first time we came out here. At there several times, with absolutely zero chill any of the times we ate here. I had been reading that they had a few outbreaks of e. coli and salmonella over the last few years, so I wasn't interested in eating there, but everybody else ate there with gusto and loved it. 

Caryn's burger...

Dad's burger...

Derek's chimichanga...

And Derek's appetizer that was just like...jalapeno sausage?

After that, we drove back to the condo, I made myself dinner, and we all went to sleep. our next day was the drive back to the springs, which was mostly uneventful.