Boys and girls, I want to talk about sexting. Specifically the photos involved, because for real, there is some shit going on that is...well...it's anecdotal and hardly concrete for anybody outside of the people I've surveyed, but that's also far from the point....it isn't good.
Being that Derek is gone for just under two months left, and that he'll be turning around and leaving for another two months less than a month after he gets home, and then after THAT he'll be heading to some kind of advancement school that will either be five months or nine months long (depending on what he decides he wants to do), it's pretty safe to say that our sex life is encountering the problem of not existing due to logistical issues. Sexting is a pretty alright substitute, though we're not so much on the text part of sext. Or at least I'm not. I used to do that shit for a job, and nothing will make sexting less glamorous and sexy than doing it for hours on end as a profession. When dudes I've dated have attempted to edge their way in with the "what are you wearing" text so we can text each other about what he's ACTUALLY doing and what I'm graciously pretending to do for his benefit, I either disregard and answer completely unsexily (i.e. hanging out with my son), or I give bare bones participation and they have never noticed enough to bitch. I've also been known to respond with things like, "cool" and "nice" because seriously, sexting just doesn't interest me. Phone sex, on the other hand....
Anyway, Derek mentioned wanting pictures of me in various states of undress for penis posterity, and with some of them I was like...I have no fucking idea how I can make that work with the focal distance of my phone camera. And he mentioned using my camera and a tripod and a wireless shutter release, but no thanks, my camera doesn't need to see that. So I was thinking about how I could manage to get what he's asking for, and it dawned on me that I needed a selfie stick. I'm not going to say buying that selfie stick was a proud moment in my life as a photographer. What I WILL say is that selfie sticks have changed the god damn sext photo game for me. I sent them to all of my girlfriends and extolled the virtues of buying a selfie stick for the sext photos they take, telling them that this shit is a revelation, and for their part they all ooohed and aaaahed at my photos (I mean, I am a fucking dish in these photos, not gonna lie) but the best part was them telling me how genius I am for getting and incorporating a selfie stick, which....yes. Yes, that is true. I am not the first person to think of this, I am a thousand percent sure, but I'm the first of my friends to think of it, and that counts for something.
The long winded point I'm getting to is this: I bought the selfie stick. I got some lingerie (but on the cheap, because like, I don't have the budget to get the kind of good lingerie that my stuck up integrity would usually demand. Nobody's got time for Bravissimo to take their sext selfies), and came home and prepared. I took a shower. I did my hair. Rid my body of unwanted hairs. I made my fucking bed, which I haven't done in months because why would I. I did my make up. I tested lighting. I played around with sext photos that were meant to look fast and effortless for three fucking hours. The results were...well, Derek seemed like, barely enthused about them, but I'll grant him that he was in public when I sent them to him, and he couldn't really verbalize his excitement about my searingly hot nudie shots the way that I was hoping he would have. Moving on, the shots looked like they had some thought put into them, and as well they should have. They DID have thought put into them.
They're also mostly clothed, because like I told Derek on the phone today, I'm not trying to give away the farm. Gotta space out the access to shots that are just full on snatch (mostly because I'm storyboarding this shit to make it look GOOD instead of just like a cell phone shot of snizz) to make him want it more? I think?
Here's what I've been thinking about, though: my entire career as a woman on the receiving end of nudes from men, I've never gotten ANYTHING that looked like it was a thoughtful dick pic. Literally every single thing I've ever gotten is just close up shot to a dick in their hand, or a shot taken while laying down, shooting head first into the wiener area. And yes, those entendres were a thousand percent intentional. Years and years and years of getting dick pics, 98% of them completely unasked for and unwanted, and I've found that not a single man has any originality in framing a shot of his penis that is sent to me as an enticement. Nevermind that I'm a tactile person (if I can't play with it, don't bother me with pictures of it, that's just rude), and nevermind that dicks are, by their very nature, abhorrent to look at without an explicit desire to look at them, it is so disappointing that I have never ever ever gotten a sex shot from a guy where it was evident he put any amount of thought or effort into it. I was telling a girlfriend of mine that if men put thought into their dick pics, I'd enjoy getting them a fuckload more, and when she agreed I decided to ask all of my girlfriends about the kind of dick pics they get. It's unanimous: you guys are ALL fucking flaking and slacking off in the dick pic department. What the actual fuck, my guys? Have NONE of you ever looked at Rate My Dick Pic? I mean, you can't now because Tumblr is for prudes, but you guys have GOT to take into account what women want to see, not just "CHECKOUTMAHDICK". I want to see dick pics where I can tell the man taking it is trying to turn me on, and isn't just thinking, "blah blah blah YOUR MOUTH".
I mentioned to a girlfriend of mine that straight men need to be looking at thirst traps on instagram, particularly gay male thirst traps, because 9 times out of 10, their thirst traps are a god damn art form. I can't speak for every straight woman on the receiving end of salacious photos, but I mean, I confer with my lady friends about the quality of my photos, I make sure they're really sexy before I pass them along because the explicit intent is to turn on the man who's going to view them. I get that mostly, the stereotype is true, and that if I send a thoughtless nude to Derek, he'll just appreciate that it's a nude, and while I'm at it, any porn he's looking at probably isn't some art house shit with bomb ass lighting and thoughtful poses that complement the woman's form to her raw sexuality, it's going to be...you know...porny. nothing wrong with that at all, I'm just saying it's not like I HAVE to go through all of this effort, because it's a man on the receiving end (if you are a man and you are not that way, it's a shame we can't exchange nudes, because my new desire for turning nudes into art is probably going to be lost on my husband). I just wish dudes would show a little more effort and a little less desperation in their nudes. Because seriously. They've been pathetic, and I've seriously done a lot of legwork into this assertion.
I mean, I did my fucking makeup. MY MAKEUP. My face is barely in the photos. Barely in the fucking photos, and I did a full fucking face complete with vegan falsies and a bold, dramatic wing.
That's EFFORT. That's what it looks like. I mean, not really, I just wanted to show off the wing and the falsies, because I'd never done either thing before and I am SERIOUSLY not mad at my first foray into either. (This seems as good a place as any to lament my schnozz, though. I've often made fun of my age by saying I'm too old to have tits or titties now, I have to have breasts...I've NEVER had a nose. That honker is a schnozz, through and through)
In related news, it dawned on me that it's been ages since I got a sexy selfie from my husband. He's never sent me dick pics (I did ask him for one once, but again...insurance. He's got a nice dick and all, but for real, I just...I don't really care about dick pics), but he DID go in for body shots (yum) and peek a boo groin shots (tired and played out after 20 years of dating, but yum because my husband is a fucking Adonis) and a lot of selfies, so it's strange to be on the other side of the equation. I'm sending him all of the things, and I'm getting nothing.
I used to be really sure that the only reason I got any of those photos is because he was sending them to other women, and he wanted to cover his tracks by sending them to me. That way if I looked through his phone and saw suggestive photos that I had never gotten, I wouldn't have reason to flip the fuck out and accuse him of anything he was (probably) doing. I don't know how I feel now that I'm not being inundated with pictures of him anymore. I think he's gorgeous and so fucking sexy so it's disappointing I'm not just getting random peeks at how fucking hot he is, but it's also kinda nice that I'm not like, getting all of these photos of him and immediately panicking over who he's ACTUALLY sending them to first.
This is the fucking greatest god damn song I've ever fucking heard, and I cannot stop listening to it. This band as a whole is my serious fucking jam right now.
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