I light a candle every night, hoping the man you wouldn't be comes home

On Sunday, Frubs, Bro bro, Girlfran, The Boy, and I went to the Denver Zoo. We woke up, girlfran made Allen and herself coffee while I did not do anything as nice for Frubs, I just yelled at him and bossed him around a whole bunch and told him he had to drive. But the drive was fun, and the zoo was incredible. I saw my snow leopards, cried as expected, and took lots and lots of photos. See? Lookit!

 I have no idea what kind of bird this is, but I was in serious danger of getting shit on while taking this shot. Girlfran was in the tropical bird room with me as I bitched about the intense heat and humidity, but it was super worth it. I think this is my favorite shot of the day.

 I will say this again later, but there is something immensely sad about the bigger primates. Orangutans and gorillas break my fucking heart.

 There were tiny, itty bitty bunnies jumping all over the fucking zoo, and it made me so god damn happy. Clearly. I spent ten minutes snapping pictures of this little guy, and I was delighted the entire time. It wasn't until someone walked by me saying, "there are all kinds of animals here, That rabbit aint shit." that I realized I was being judged. But fuck them, this rabbit is adorable. He would have fit right into my pants pocket!!!

 There was a gorgeous cactus patch on top of one of the rocks in the zoo. I really loved the fat one I focused on. Who knows why. This is how I roll, though. I find one thing and love it intensely, forsaking all other things. Sorry, cacti. Our short-lived romance was beautiful, though.

 This dude wanted my drink cup SO HARD. And I would have let him have it, if he had come up and grabbed it from me, like the lorikeets did.

 I LOVED these flowers! It was like looking at a Dr. Seuss fever dream.

 FLAMINGOS!!!! I fucking LOVE flamingos. They're so fucking cool!

 I got you, fam.

 Yeah, it's just a common grackle, but he's so fluffed up! And the tree was so green!

 Everybody has a hippo photo just like this.

 His waggy eye is all rolling at me, like, UGH. Another bitch with a camera. Fucking PLEASE.

 When I was a little girl, I, like many children, couldn't pronounce things, so I had my own language that only my family understood. For some reason, I couldn't say the words "kitty" or "sleep", so when I saw a cat sleeping, I would grab onto my mom or dad and scream excitedly, "Look! LOOK! De keekee feebitz!!!! HE FEEBITZ, MOMMY!!" I thought about this as I took the pictures of the tigers. I even sent my mom a photo over text and told her that the keekee was feebitzing.

 Here is de keekee again, feebitzing, but different.

 This Kingfisher is incredibly handsome, but I couldn't get my camera to focus past the tiny scratch in the glass, so he's blurry, and I'm unhappy about it.

 Look at that. Fucking GORGEOUS.

 Lorikeet!!!! He stole my lorikeet juice!! But he looks like an eighties glam rock star, so I can't be TOO mad at him.

 They're either nuzzling and it's adorable, or this here is picture evidence that lorikeet one murdered lorikeet two.

 It's a mandarin goby! I used to have one in my saltwater aquarium when I lived in California. I named him Cirque. For Cirque Du Soleil. Because I am in love with my own cleverness.

 I couldn't remember the name of this monkey, so I called him the McDonald's monkey. The shot is blurry, and his fingers are cut off, and I'm upset about it. I had an even better pose, with him yawning, but it was even blurrier than this one.

 I've been having trouble remembering the names of things lately. While recounting my fear that this peacock was going to bum rush me and peck my eyes out, I called it a pelican. Consequently, asll of the peacock picture files are a pelican name of some sort. This one is simply "PELICAN!!"

 Pelican feathers!

 MOAR PELICAN!!!!!!!

 A tiny bloom in a big, big world.

 Allen is currently writing a story about this picture, and I'm getting ready to paint it. They look so alien, don't they?

How can you look at that face and those eyes and not want to tear your own heart out? It makes me ache, but he's just so god damn handsome.

And that was my trip to the zoo.

In other news, I am fucking FEELING Blank Space right now. I've listened to that song on repeat all fucking day today.

You are coming down with me, hand in unlovable hand

I started this blog entry a week ago, when I got home from Santa Fe and the wedding shoot. I never finished it, so I'll just restart it.

The whole entire trip was a cyclone. It started the second we dropped our shit off at the hotel, and didn't end until we got back to Colorado Springs. Let me see if I can sum up.

Day one:

Derek and I left Friday morning. I had dinner with his parents Thursday night, and it went so well. Way better than I anticipated. His parents are exactly what I thought they'd be like, but they were warmer. And they welcomed me, and I loved it. We arrived at the hotel Friday afternoon, dropped our stuff of, and then headed straight over to the rehearsal/rehearsal dinner. Derek and I tested light, scoped out spots to take before and after shots (which is how we found the murder house, but more on that later), and generally checked out where we'd be spending twelve plus hours two days from then. And that's when we noticed all of the cars in the river. There were twenty five of them...all manner of old car, just hanging out along the river bank. Derek and I couldn't figure out how to get to them, so we wandered along the outskirts of the location, looking for a break in the fence, or just a place that wasn't topped with barbed wire. And then, we found the place where all of the fence ended. Victory! We got in and Derek immediately says to me, "Uhhh, I'm pretty sure you're walking through poison ivy, love." I looked down, and sure as fuck, I'm stomping through the thickest patch of poison ivy I've ever seen. But I am far too stubborn to admit that I'm doing something stupid, even when I'm caught red-handed doing said stupid thing. So I responded with, "Welp. What the fuck ever!" and I just made my merry way through the poison ivy (which was all fucking OVER the place). The best parts of the story are not that I'm a moron, but that I'm a moron that isn't allergic to urushiol, and I'm a moron that's not allergic to urushiol that also got the shot she was after.

That shot is EXACTLY what I hoped it would be. Frubs got a pretty fucking cool shot, as well, but he did it without prancing about in poison ivy, so his shot isn't as victorious or interesting.

There's Derek's shot. It lends better to the scope of all of the cars along the bank. We talked with the owner on the day of the wedding, and he said they started doing that fifty years ago, to control erosion. And since the water has little to no salt content, the cars don't really rust out. I thought it was super cool. Anyway, that was pretty much day one. We had dinner with Derek's family after the rehearsal, and they're all incredibly nice. They chatted with me, they welcomed me, they acted like I had been around for years. It wasn't awkward, it was wonderful.

Derek and I bought a bottle of Kraken, went back to the hotel, and Derek threw a bit of a hissy fit over the size of the cups provided by the hotel. His solution was fucking ridiculous and genius. He used the coffee maker pot as a glass.

In reality, the pot isn't much bigger, but I have to give him credit for being productive during his tantrum. My mother thought it was fucking hysterical.

Day two:

Day two was the wedding brunch. I had been hoping that after the wedding brunch, Derek and I would have time to make our way along on our own for a few hours, finding abandoned things and enjoying each other. We did get to do that a bit, but It was really only a two hour affair when we snuck away from the pre-wedding brunch (which was huge and delicious) and examined a mostly abandoned church and the two buildings behind it that just happened to be right next door to Derek's aunt's property. There were some decently old graves in the tiny graveyard, but most of them were recent-ish and gaudily decorated. Is it bad to say that about someone's resting place? I don't know the etiquette for these things. Anyway, here's what I found while we had that adventure:

 This is in the second building behind the church. I can't even guess how old these were. There was one room that had about seven layers of wallpaper, going from bad to worse throughout the years. There was an abandoned Monopoly board that looked like it hadn't been played since the box had been opened (and honestly I can't blame the people that abandoned it. That game ruins lives. It's like the civil war. It pits brother against brother, and nobody wins), and even a creepy room that had been decorated on and off for children. I have a lot more pictures to go through from this excursion, but I've promised myself I'll process the wedding shots entirely before I dig into my bonus shots.

 This is the entrance to one of the buildings behind the church. The texture of the door was absolutely fucking GORGEOUS, and I did take a close up of it, but again, it's for another time. Hopefully soon. I'm so excited to break into the shots I took just for me.

Jesus saves! Salvation now in Behold Him Blue and Yahweh Yellow! This is the altar in the nearly abandoned church. Derek was very gracious and left a dollar in the donation box. I'm not sure they check it all that often. There was a side room with a huge bible, all in Latin, set for a funeral that took place in 1993. Which was cool in and of itself. Anyway.

We went back to the wedding location to take some peripherals, and the entire underpass on the way there was just COVERED in Cliff Swallow nests, so we got out and took pictures. I mostly just smiled look a doofus as the birds swarmed around and around me, chirping and swooping and making a general mess of the sky.

 Lookit! Look at that angry little swallow!!! This is a 100% crop, so it's really not the BEST quality, but it's still clear enough to tickle me absolutely.

A portrait of an artist as a young jerk.I was snooping on Frubs as we took pictures of the birds. We sat under that bridge for about two hours before it was time to go.

We spent the rest of the afternoon with Derek's family, in Santa Fe. We all drove down and met up in the town square, at the Saint Francis Basilica. I was heavily disappointed with that place, by the way. The name basilica promises sweeping stained glass and intricate stairs and gorgeous pews...but this was just a huge church. I felt immensely let down. I did have a solid chuckle at the park for the basilica that said "no dogs allowed'...once upon a time, in another life, St. Francis was my saint, for fairly obvious reasons. Knowing what I do about St. Francis, that sign sent me into pretty heavy giggles. While walking the rest of the grounds, I spied a sign that said, "Famous staircase chapel" with an arrow. I stopped Derek and I said, "Holy shit, this is where Loretto is." I have been aching to get to Loretto for YEARS. I can't explain why religious stories move me so, they just do. Even if I don't fall for the bullshit, I get very wrapped up in the hyped stories. Saint Joseph built the stairway, you say? OH, how fascinating! After a nine day novena to him, really? Neat! Tell me more! I gobble that shit up. But I spit it back out as acerbic commentary on what a shitty carpenter Saint Jospeh is, because the nuns at Loretto didn't even want to USE the fucking staircase. Still, that amazingly beautiful staircase has long been on my list of things to see. So, when I told Derek this was where it was, he responded with a very enthusiastic, "BUT MY FAMILY IS WAITING TO HAVE DRINKS WITH US!" To which I replied, "Fuck your family, I'm going." And it wasn't even about not wanting to spend time with them...I did. But I also knew I was pressed for time, and I wanted to see my staircase. So before I gave Derek a chance to argue with me (and he did look stunned as all fuck), I walked off toward the Loretto Chapel. Half a mile later, I discover they're closed for some ugly couple's shitty wedding, and I was crushed. CRUSHED. If I could make the letters of CRUSHED bigger to emphasize how CRUSHED I was, I would. I asked the wedding coordinator if I could get a two minute peak inside, due to being from out of state, and she gave me a blank look, said no, and then turned around and walked away, looking back at me once with a quizzical look on her face, as if I had just asked her to disassemble the entire chapel and put it back together again using nothing but her toes and her keen sense of smell. At this point, I was far too proud to go back into the bar with Derek and his family...who knows why...so I sat in the antithesis to Saint Francis park and took pictures of strangers. Derek and I went back to the hotel a few hours later, and geared up for the wedding day.

And then it was the wedding day, and those pictures are still being processed. I found a couple more that I fucking LOVE. Like this one:

but I'm not even a tenth of the way done. I haven't been culling like I should, I'm just rolling through and then processing them as I find them.

I have to go to bed. My new job is wearing me out. I do h ave Denver Zoo pictures to post, but I will do that tomorrow. This post has gone on long enough, and I really am exhausted. I'm sitting in my office, wearing nothing but a towel, with my dried, curly hair. I hate my curly hair. But this is a testament to how fucking LAZY I am right now. I can't even be bothered to take the effort to make myself attractive. Welp.

I'll make him smile so I can kill it and eat it

This will probably be long, since I haven't written in here in a while, and also I've been fairly busy, and also I feel like writing for ages, so I will.

The last time I wrote in here, I mentioned an episode of sleepwalking. It was a pretty intense episode of sleepwalking for me, and it freaked me out quite a bit. I have since discovered that I sleepwalk A LOT. Here's the skinny:

Frubs and I were hanging out in the living room a week or so ago, and we heard this clink clink CRASH in the kitchen. Frubs got up and saw that a glass had fallen from the cabinet and was broken on the floor. He assumed one of the cats had done it, but they were all asleep on the chairs in the living room. We thought it was a little weird, just having a glass jump out of the cabinet, but ultimately decided that it was probably put away while still a little wet, right up against the edge, and it must have somehow slipped. While discussing that, I told Frubs that I've noticed other weird things around the house, too. Like furniture being moved, and cabinets being wide open, and doors being closed (we leave all of the doors open for the animals, since they like to hide in and under things and we don't want them trapped anywhere). I wasn't trying to imply that the house is haunted or anything, I was more remarking on how odd it all was.

Long story short: I'm doing it.

I sleepwalk. I sleep arrange my house. It's very disconcerting to know that I get up and do things in the middle of the night and I have no control over it. Though I suppose it is a very effective way to get house chores done, if I could just harness my energy toward cleaning instead of, like, going bullshit crazy around the house. Allen says he and girlfran hear me walking around at odd hours of the night CONSTANTLY, when both of them know Derek and I have gone to bed already. I'm thinking of asking Derek to use his little Asus tablet thing to record the house at night so I can see exactly what I do. This morning, I had 329 steps logged when I woke up at 8. Some of those were legitimate when I was awake, because the Fitbit cycles over at midnight. I did go to sleep officially in my bed at about 12:10, and I did not take 328 steps in the time. It's so bizarre to figure out I'm a sleep walker, and I wonder how long I've been doing it.

Reddit really is one of my favorite places to cruise when I have an hour or so to kill on the internet, and I want a wide variety of the things. For instance, this morning, I found this:

That backlighting, tho.

Things like that pop up all over Reddit all the time. I've gotten pretty vocal on some of the subreddits (like ELI5), and it's enough social interaction that I feel like I maybe don't have to go outside and talk to real people, since I hate them.

It's been a few days since I started this post. The only thing of note that happened is Elvis.

Behold! Elvis:

Evlis is the Queen of Derek's Laundry Pile!!!!

It's been two days of absolute delight. I have so missed having a little bunny of my own to watch binky all about the damn thing. And as a super amazing bonus, Elvis likes to hop on my shoulder and just chill out. It makes me so fucking happy. My phone is absolutely FULL of pictures of her. She's the new love of my life, and she was an amazing present.

Friday was a good day. We got the rest of our engagement pictures. I look fucking AWFUL in them, but hot damn, our photographer is god damn talented. Allen and girlfran went up to Denver with us to review the photos, and they helped us pick out the best ones. Here are the best ones that they all liked the best (I was pretty wildly unhappy with how I looked, so I'm not terribly in favor of my place in the photos, but the photos themselves really ARE Gorgeous:

This space was the most AMAZING wind tunnel, and the fact that I was able to keep my skirt down for the shots taken up here is a god damn miracle. Derek isn't actually a fan of this picture, since I'm in the background and only he's in the foreground. I said that's the best thing about the picture! Nobody thought it was funny.

This picture is my very favorite. I think the monochromatic fore/background is a perfect place for my red dress and Derek's blue outfit. The colors look super fucking dramatic. Plus, my legs look fucking LONG. AND like they disappear into the couch, due to my shoes matching the color pretty much exactly. But I really do like this picture.

Let's not discuss my fat face and my muscle-less arm (that is the broken one). Let's also not focus on how I REALLY should have worn another dress, because the cut of this one is gorgeous for someone with not my body type. I look so angry. I was deeply upset at having my photo taken all day, and this was the end of the session (which ran two hours longer than his normal two hours), so I was fucking DRAINED.

I am loathe to post this one, because this angle is awful, and black and white casts bizarre shadows on me. But whatever. It was one of Allen's favorites.

Posting them is bumming me out, because I hate how I fucking look (which isn't new, but the accident really did some damage, and I hate that I gained that weight, even though it's almost all gone now (it's been two months since the engagement photos were done, and I've been biking up a god damn storm!), but I still hate it all. Yuck.

I'm having dinner with Derek, Derek's parents, Allen, and girlfran tomorrow night at Little Nepal. I've never met Derek's parents, and I'm insanely nervous. But, on the other hand, it's nice to have the opportunity to do that, and not be all hidden and shit.

It'll probably be a little while before I write in here again, though I am shooting a wedding this weekend, so I may post some pictures from that, if I take any that I REALLY like.

Also, I think I just got a promotion at work?

What do we want? Time Travel! When do we want it? IRRELEVANT!

I sliced my hand open last night cooking dinner.

I was chopping up a huge thing of ginger that I bought, and my hand slipped and went RIGHT under the knife as it came down. Now I look like I'm about to go practice pugilism in a shady ass gym somewhere. My hand is all wrapped up with gauze and bandages. I bled like a stuck pig. Hooray!

I have a paper to write tonight that's due in nine hours. I have fifteen miles to ride. Allen's girlfriend is coming over, so I have to straighten up downstairs. I have laundry to do. I pretty much just want to take a fucking nap.

BUT!

I went outside this afternoon, and stood right next to a bunny. It made my fucking day. It didn't even run away, it just stood next to me (most people would say that staying still was a fear reflex, but I choose to believe it's because the bunny wanted to be the best of friends with me), and I talked to it and then went back inside.

I'm thinking about writing a story about Alzheimer's. It isn't pleasant, but I would be hard pressed to think of a happy go lucky scenario involving Alzheimer's.

Tomorrow is museum day!!!!!!!!!

My lips are warm to the touch, and my words seem so alive

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

So, Frubs and I went back to Brighton yesterday (at the expense of my homework, if I'm being honest. I had every intention of finishing it BEFORE tomorrow, so we could go to Brighton without a time crunch. But...uh...I did not. Friday night, J was over, so we all had dinner together, and Frubs and I watched Iron Chef America until I fell asleep on his lap (I had to be dragged into bed, despite me softly crying, "Noooo, falling asleep on the couch is my favorite way to spend time with youuuuuuu", and I believe this claim 100%, since I always fall asleep on the couch, and I get sad or pissy when Derek tries to wake me up to go to bed)...EARLY. I crashed hard. I'm fairly exhausted during semesters, and there are certain days that hit me harder than others, and I pass out at 8 like some sort of old lady. Who am I fucking kidding? I AM an old lady. Comparatively. I'm certainly not 20 anymore.

Anyway, here's what I got. Which isn't a lot, unfortunately. Flash batteries were dead, and that severely limited the expedition, and it also fucking SMELLED.

 This is the third space in the plant, if you walk through what I assume is the front door instead of the loading bay areas. Notice the dead hawk. I named him Waldo, because I am fucking weird. His mate was circling overhead the entire time Derek and I were there. There are about three other dead birds in this area. Also, fun story to nobody but me, when I was in here, a starling bounced down from the hole in the roof, yelled at me, and then flew away. How dare I .

 Barrels again! From a different perspective! There's still a dead hawk in the picture, but it would be worse if it weren't.

 I LOVED the black gunk on the wall, because it looked to me like the high voltage being warned about came up and wrecked shop. Plus, High Voltage is one of my favorite Electric Six songs. So obviously, this picture had to be taken.

 It was insanely windy when Derek and I went back to Brighton, and this was two floors up, in a space with four open windows that made the entire room akin to a wind tunnel. I didn't think I'd be able to get a picture of all these keen doohickeys that wasn't shaky as fuck, but I managed! The climb down the broken ladder was especially fun (she said, not actually meaning at all).

 This is the same room that the barrels are in. I'm not even sure how stagnant, shitty water manages this, but the reflection looks cleaner than the actual door. Which is the only reason I took the picture.

 I have seen this horror movie, and I die. Everybody dies. That door is intimidating and gross. Also scary, because the wind rattled it about and it slammed repeatedly, and if it wasn't slamming, it was moaning, and I was frightened the entire time. I'd be lying if I said otherwise.

 Frubs, taking photos of all of the dirty things. Please take note of the spectacularly pink respirator filters!!

 Well...his glasses are crooked, but that's not my fault. Those freckles, though. Those fucking freckles.

This photo is titled, "Friday night, a bag of Cheetos, and my crippling social anxiety". For obvious reasons.

We're going back again, but with the proper lighting, and an additional tripod. I don't know when, though. Derek leaves in a couple of months, which is going to limit our time together to once a month from July until May of next year, unless the things we think are going to happen happen, in which case, I'll be moving with him in a few months. But sh. We'll see. Hopefully, better Brighton photos in a week or two.

I still think I have hantavirus now more than ever.

O WAIT! I took some, too!

So, I skipped an entry. I realized I didn't put my pictures up here, I put them up on Facebook. I'm getting closer and closer to scrapping this blog altogether. It's pretty fucking useless, honestly, and I don't think anybody important reads it, anyway. We'll see. This could very well be gone in a few months, when I'm finished with the semester and I have nothing better to do than ride my bike and delete my blogs.

 Here is the creepy doll that I assumed would be recognized earlier. But now, it CAN be recognized!! Or if this is read from the top down, then you will recognize it from later.

 Frubs, checking out his camera gear, as we got ready to leave our exhausting shoot.

 This is where we took the photos. There is SO MUCH MORE to this place. Ugh. I can't wait to go back.

Hooray! Flaker Bins for everyone! Storage all about the thing!!!

I can't wait to go back and actually spend time taking photos there.