I just long for a bungalow

Today has been an awful day. Just awful.

I had my third interview for a job I really wanted. I wanted it bad. I was supposed to hear back from them today about it, regardless of if I was getting it or not, and not a peep. No call, no email, no nothing. This is frustrating on several levels. One, obviously, because I really wanted the job, and I thought I'd be really, really good at it. Two, because even a small email saying, "Thanks for your time, we went in another direction" would have sufficed, but instead I got nothing. Allen told me to calm down, because they've told me they're understaffed and swamped, and they could just be behind in making their decision. But they told me in my first interview that they wanted to decide by Tuesday. It's now the end of business on Wednesday. Logic declares that they didn't pick me. I just...I just wish I could have even gotten a TEXT. Something. The silence is the worst part. It always is.

And the aftermath of the silence is so hard. I can't stop asking why I wasn't good enough to get the job, and why they couldn't just tell me instead of implying it with the cold shoulder.

Stevie is mad at me because she and Allen made plans to hang out last night, and I had already decided on going out to GoG to watch the Lyrids. She left before I got back, threw two passive aggressive texts at me, and didn't respond when I asked her to please not speak to me the way she speaks to her ex-boyfriend (which is all manner of derisive and passive-aggressive, and she thinks it's funny) because it's not nice. I don't know why she's pissed. Neither of them made those plans with me, I didn't bail on anybody, I just had other shit going on. I can't deal with her being mad, however. If she's going to be mad, then she's just going to have to get over it. I haven't done anything wrong, and no apologies are necessary on my behalf.

I sat at the park last night for an hour or so. I sat on the swings and watched the shapes change in clouds (because nobody is better at the cloud game than I am. It is known), and then I went out to Garden of the Gods. But it was cloudy. Even with the big breaks in the clouds, and the Lyrids being super duper bright, I didn't see a single one.

I'm so frustrated. Frustrated and sad. I didn't just want this job, I needed it. I needed it because I need to make a difference and do SOMETHING. Anything. I make no impact. I don't affect any change, or do anything important, and I want to. I want to mean something. And I don't right now. I'm so excited to go to sleep. I'm glad class was cancelled today. 0