Kiss me hard before you go

I spent the entire day missing Dan. Which is not far from the norm, but it was particularly intense today. I don't know why.

I wanted to visit a small piece of him. So I went to his blog.

He wrote me a letter a couple of weeks and change ago. And it wrecked me.

I wish there was a way to convey the intensity of tears. I wish there was some way that words made it obvious how much your soul aches, and how fiercely something hits you.

I may or may not be drunk right now (I am), but I'm going to continue to write anyway.

I wrote him an email back. I simultaneously wish I had and hadn't.  I feel like I took fourteen steps backwards, when I had only taken one step forward in the first place. But I was looking for a reason to write him. Because I miss him so much. The tension sits in my chest like a caged bird, begging for freedom. I don't expect him to write back to me. I wouldn't blame him for not. But he wrote me in his blog, and there were things I didn't say in the email I sent to him, and I'm going to respond in kind to his courage in putting that out there by writing them here.

I said the universe is not kind or cruel, it's simply the space in which we reside. But I would be lying if I said anything other than I am hoping against rhyme or reason that we're not just happy in that space out in the vastness; that we can one day be happy together in real life. It is not something I voice, because I'm too scared of saying it aloud. But I want that to be how life plays itself out. You helped me believe I could be better, and I wanted to be better with you. Not for you, but with you.

Jesus Christ, I miss you. I miss everything about you. I miss the comfort of sleeping with you, I miss your kisses, I miss you waking me up when I had fallen asleep on the couch and saying, "Are you ready for bed, babe?" I miss having sex with you, I miss it all. I see flashes of the brilliance of being with you, and pieces of me shrivel and retreat, because it was all so good and the shocking emptiness where that light used to reside is frightening. There was bullshit, but 95% of being with you was like nothing else I had ever experienced. And I miss it.

Not having you in my life feels like something died. The world is still the world, and it spins madly on, but the ride isn't the same without you. I've lost things, I've lost people. I've given things up, and had them ripped away from me. I've walked away and made mistakes, and I've been a gorgeous disaster, because life has been beautiful the way I've been living it. I've embraced loss, but I do not feel right without you.

You were not something I was looking for, or wanting. But you were so bad at finding the shapes in the clouds, and you kissed me next to a park fence. And I wanted you. Just you. For everything you were, and are, and are trying to become. You are flawed, and you are maddening and stubborn. But fuck it all if you are not fucking brilliant.

I love you. I would give anything to kiss you and put my head on your shoulder, to be able to sleep next to you one more time. I dream of you and I constantly, and I wake up feeling happy and complete for one brief, glorious second. And I turn to reach for you only to be met with the harsh emptiness of my empty space.

I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry.

I imagine that, in the twenty some odd days since you wrote that, that you've stopped thinking about me every day. That you're out experiencing the world, and dropped all thoughts of me, wistful, positive, or otherwise. I'm trying so hard not to drunkenly text you right now so you'll go read my email before...before I don't know what. It probably doesn't make a difference anyway.

I should go to sleep, because I really am drunk. I've been sitting at my desk, smoking cigarettes and crying, singing the new songs I discovered that remind me of us and wishing you could hear me; I sing them earnestly, and I sing them for you.

But I don't expect this to change anything. So.

I miss you. I love you. I fucking love you. I still want you. I suspect I will until there's nothing left of me.

Enjoy the world. Be well. Do good.

Also....Suits has been fucking incredible. I stopped watching Big Brother, though. I couldn't tolerate the insipid people on there.