Don't dangle your participles, Gwendolyn Brooks!

Oh boy oh boy oh boy!!! I've hit 2200 page views!!!

I'll be even more excited when I hit 2222, because I'm just kind of funky that way.

I'm on exactly 2200 pageviews right now, and I'm a bit sad that the number and its glorious evenness is about to go away. Sigh.

A few things.

One: Allen called me yesterday to tell me someone called him at 2:30 in the morning, but he didn't answer the call, since it was from a number he didn't recognize. When he woke up in the morning to walk to work, he noticed he had a voicemail, so he listened to it. Then he tells me that the voicemail was the scariest sounding recording ever. He likened the voice to that of Jigsaw (of the Saw franchise fame), and it was telling him something about nine people, leaving space for one more. And did he know who that one was? Him. And then I guess it hung up. He sounded freaked out about it, so I asked him if he was alarmed. He said he was, a bit, but there was more. So, he said he was listening to the voicemail while he walked to work, in the dark, feeling a bit freaked out, but he wanted to save it so I could listen to it, too (since I love weird things like that. Being scared is delicious). So, he was on his way home and he realized that he didn't have a voicemail any more. No voicemail, no record of any bizarre phone call being made. Nothing. I asked him if he dreamed it. He promised he didn't. So, I told him to Google it when he got home, and I told him to call me if he found anything. He never called. I went on my own Google search, but came up with nothing, as well. I did listen to some other clever and bizarre marketing voicemails for scary movies, though. Those were quite enjoyable.

Two: The sky was absolutely littered with hot air balloons this morning, and it made me so happy. I looked in my rear-view mirror before I turned on to my street, and the backdrop of low-hanging hot air balloons against a cloudy sky and the stark outline of the mountains was just gorgeous.

Three: I don't care much for Socrates.

That's all I've got for now. I would happily expound on why I think Socrates is awful, but I have a shitload of work to do, and I also have an exceptionally full backpack sitting next to me, aching for me to take a book out and study some more. But I have to finish my work first. Why I Hate Socrates can come later.

Take no paper hearts

Second first day of class down.

I may or may not have gotten into a slight verbal altercation in class today. Hint: I definitely did. But in my defense, this kid was a complete and total jack ass, and while I didn't lay into him full force, he definitely got what he deserved. In summation, he was combative and ridiculous and just aching to have someone say anything against what he was mouthing off with.

I don't mind being that someone, ESPECIALLY in situations like this where the mouthy jerk is just being rude and insufferable.

I did apologize to my teacher after class, and I told her that every once and awhile, my mouth gets the better of me, and if I was overly combative or rude, that I was sorry. She said that I was absolutely fine, I wasn't derogatory or nasty, and that she herself had to bite her tongue several times, so she was glad someone said something. I felt fairly pleased.

She started class off with this video:

Which I had never heard before, so I obviously haven't seen the video. Anyway, I actually really like the song (seriously, feels. Remember yourselves), and I liked the video, too. I mean, the ACTUAL video. There's like, four minutes of Justin Timberlake just prancing about in front of mirrors, because being literal is apparently a thing in music videos, and also, he's Justin Timberlake, and why the fuck not. I guess.

She asked us what the video meant, and a few people gave their answers, and they were all wrong, so I spoke up with mine. I was the closest to being right. She asked me why I thought it meant what it did (I said it touched on death and memories), and I told her that I was watching the elderly couple in the video, and while the older man was always present in the room, he wasn't present in the mirrors. Since it kept flashing back and forth and showcasing the young kids as their older selves in various ways, someone being dead made perfect sense to me. She said I was VERY close; it was actually Alzheimer's, not death. I listened to the song on my way home from school. It made me sad.

I'm finally eating something, and it's 10:30. I didn't eat this morning because instead of studying, I slept. UNTIL 1:00. Which felt fucking amazing. It was a thick, dreamless sleep. And I needed it. The good news is, now I'm wide awake, so I can study. I have a speech due in two weeks, and two chapters to read. I have my business quiz due on Wednesday, but that won't be very difficult at all. And then I have about 50 questions of math homework due on Thursday. This makes me the least happy. I'm kind of struggling with it already. In a weird way. I get the concepts being presented to me...I can tell you what they are, what they mean, and their basic functions. But I am having so much trouble putting them into practice. It shouldn't be that way. My nephew is going to study with me on Saturday, though. So if I can just slowly plug away at my homework until then (I've done thirteen problems out of fifty-two. I've gotten two wrong so far. Oops. :/ ), Saturday should help. He really gets math, just like I get English.

I've finished eating my bowl of quinoa and my three pieces of chicken. I didn't run today (due to class and sleep), and I also felt the need for a fountain Sprite. I drank a 32 ounce Sprite today. Jesus, I feel so awful for that. But I have a day like this where I just NEED that kind of soda maybe twice a year, so I don't feel THAT bad. Anyway, I should probably stop writing and go study now. I have three classes tomorrow, which should be my easiest classes (out of an entire 20 credit courseload of relatively easy classes, to be fair. The hardest of which is algebra, by a long shot). They're just going o be long. I'll be leaving the house at 9:00 am and not returning until about the same time in the evening.

I love it, though.

I'm lonesome while I wait

First day of class is done! Now it's just three more years until I'm seriously done. Which isn't that long, in the grand scheme of things. It may even be less, if I keep to my schedule. But I feel like it's safer to plan for crazy things to come up, so three years it is.

I'm fairly exhausted, but that has less to do with being in class since one (I just got home, it's almost nine), and more to do with me.

I've been hoping that I'd get some sort of response from Dan. It's only been a day and a half since I emailed him, but I'm already quite certain I won't be getting an email back. Maybe that's for the best. But it still makes me sad. I've gone from saying that perhaps he hasn't read it yet, or seen the blog entry I wrote a couple entries down just for him to saying that he did read them...both of them...and just doesn't want to respond. I've also been thinking that maybe his blog was titled Limited Time Only because he would only give a fuck if I responded for a few days. Maybe none of what he said is true anymore. Whatever reason there is, I'm pretty sure I won't be hearing back from him. And maybe that's for the best. I have no idea. It doesn't feel like it, but none of this ever did.

I have studying to do. I don't mind studying. My math class didn't make me feel like a complete and total retard! A welcome and unexpected outcome. I handed in my first assignment a week early, like a boss, and I'm about to go study for my business quiz. Again, like a boss. I did a small peek ahead, and I'm already figuring out what I want to say for my first course discussion due in two weeks.

I'm looking at my stack of books that I need to bring to class on Friday (I have eight books total. Two come to classes with me on Wednesday, one goes with me on Thursday, and fucking FIVE go with me on Friday. Five books. For three classes), and I'm wondering how lugging those up and down three flights of stairs six times a day and walking around campus would fit into my calorie burning.

Hannah asked me to take pictures at her elopement. Her boyfriend comes home from his deployment in two months, and they're getting married on the quick in December. She told me she couldn't afford much, but she knows I love taking pictures, and she wants me there (there will be less than ten people present), so why not kill two birds with one stone? Which is a depressing euphemism in regards to a wedding. But, there you are.

I'm going to have some greek yogurt with honey and study. I'm really looking forward to hanging out with my friends on Sunday. I've been kind of lonely lately, being by myself all of the time. So Sunday should be a shit-ton of fun. And Cards Against Humanity and the expansion pack came today, so I'm doubly excited. AND I don't have to work or go to school on Monday! All of the fun.

Every time I close my eyes

It's been a very productive morning thus far. I woke up, loaded up my coffee maker, and went on a run. I came home (from an entirely piss-poor performance, by the way. It turns out my motivation to do well at running does not apply to the morning) and collapsed in the A/C for a minute or two. Then, I washed my face and put on a sulfur mask (which smells fucking awful, but it makes my face skins so soft and nice. Plus, the smell washes away and doesn't linger). I'm getting ready to cook my gigantic vat of quinoa and chicken and veggies so I can stuff those in my freezer and have about a month of dinners that I don't have to actually exert any effort on. I still have to take a shower, blow-dry my hair, and load up my backpack (which is making me giggle), but I've been pretty awesome this morning. Oh, and I have to eat something. I'm going to go grab a protein bar right now.

Taking bites and chewing with a sulfur mask on is extremely hard and comical, as it turns out. The mask dries HARD and is unyielding. But I'm managing.

Tosh came over and ran with me last night, then we hung out at my house for a little bit, and then we went to Garden of the Gods. I took her to where I watch meteor showers, and we talked about things. Mostly sad things, and it was mostly me talking.

I showed her a few books when we got back to my house, and I let her borrow Smoke and Mirrors, since she'd never read anything by Neil Gaiman.

After she left, I just sort of stared up at my ceiling and listened to music for awhile, and then I fell asleep watching Suits.

I have to take a shower now.

Kiss me hard before you go

I spent the entire day missing Dan. Which is not far from the norm, but it was particularly intense today. I don't know why.

I wanted to visit a small piece of him. So I went to his blog.

He wrote me a letter a couple of weeks and change ago. And it wrecked me.

I wish there was a way to convey the intensity of tears. I wish there was some way that words made it obvious how much your soul aches, and how fiercely something hits you.

I may or may not be drunk right now (I am), but I'm going to continue to write anyway.

I wrote him an email back. I simultaneously wish I had and hadn't.  I feel like I took fourteen steps backwards, when I had only taken one step forward in the first place. But I was looking for a reason to write him. Because I miss him so much. The tension sits in my chest like a caged bird, begging for freedom. I don't expect him to write back to me. I wouldn't blame him for not. But he wrote me in his blog, and there were things I didn't say in the email I sent to him, and I'm going to respond in kind to his courage in putting that out there by writing them here.

I said the universe is not kind or cruel, it's simply the space in which we reside. But I would be lying if I said anything other than I am hoping against rhyme or reason that we're not just happy in that space out in the vastness; that we can one day be happy together in real life. It is not something I voice, because I'm too scared of saying it aloud. But I want that to be how life plays itself out. You helped me believe I could be better, and I wanted to be better with you. Not for you, but with you.

Jesus Christ, I miss you. I miss everything about you. I miss the comfort of sleeping with you, I miss your kisses, I miss you waking me up when I had fallen asleep on the couch and saying, "Are you ready for bed, babe?" I miss having sex with you, I miss it all. I see flashes of the brilliance of being with you, and pieces of me shrivel and retreat, because it was all so good and the shocking emptiness where that light used to reside is frightening. There was bullshit, but 95% of being with you was like nothing else I had ever experienced. And I miss it.

Not having you in my life feels like something died. The world is still the world, and it spins madly on, but the ride isn't the same without you. I've lost things, I've lost people. I've given things up, and had them ripped away from me. I've walked away and made mistakes, and I've been a gorgeous disaster, because life has been beautiful the way I've been living it. I've embraced loss, but I do not feel right without you.

You were not something I was looking for, or wanting. But you were so bad at finding the shapes in the clouds, and you kissed me next to a park fence. And I wanted you. Just you. For everything you were, and are, and are trying to become. You are flawed, and you are maddening and stubborn. But fuck it all if you are not fucking brilliant.

I love you. I would give anything to kiss you and put my head on your shoulder, to be able to sleep next to you one more time. I dream of you and I constantly, and I wake up feeling happy and complete for one brief, glorious second. And I turn to reach for you only to be met with the harsh emptiness of my empty space.

I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry.

I imagine that, in the twenty some odd days since you wrote that, that you've stopped thinking about me every day. That you're out experiencing the world, and dropped all thoughts of me, wistful, positive, or otherwise. I'm trying so hard not to drunkenly text you right now so you'll go read my email before...before I don't know what. It probably doesn't make a difference anyway.

I should go to sleep, because I really am drunk. I've been sitting at my desk, smoking cigarettes and crying, singing the new songs I discovered that remind me of us and wishing you could hear me; I sing them earnestly, and I sing them for you.

But I don't expect this to change anything. So.

I miss you. I love you. I fucking love you. I still want you. I suspect I will until there's nothing left of me.

Enjoy the world. Be well. Do good.

Also....Suits has been fucking incredible. I stopped watching Big Brother, though. I couldn't tolerate the insipid people on there.

You're screwed up and brilliant, you look like a million dollar man; So, why is my heart broke?

Just a small bit of bullshit here, because I haven't been out and about to take photos. I've been eyeball deep in studying and working.

I did take a break from all of that last night to hang out with Tosh, Ryan, and Allen. I drank too much, may or may not have indulged in other mind-altering substances, and played Loaded Questions. We ordered Cards Against Humanity, so we'll have another game night when that arrives.

I completely wiped my old phone, since I'm going to go sell it. I went through all of my photos and deleted most of them, but saved about 276 of them. Most of them, in this case, means somewhere around the 600 neighborhood. I had a shitload of photos on my phone. Some of them made me quite sad, and I may or may not have cried a little bit when I went through them (spoiler: I definitely did). I kept those ones, though. Because sentiment is a thing. A foolish one, but a thing just the same.

I have absolutely nothing to do today. I am so fucking bored I could scream. I'm normally stuffed full of things on Saturday, but I did everything yesterday, because I pulled an extra day.

I think I'm going to use this time to study again. Stevie and I are studying together tonight, as well.

Secret? I'm fucking LOVING it.

Accept no imitiations

For whatever reason, I decided I wanted to look at Ithaca on Google Satellite view today. I wandered about my hometown to the best of my street view abilities, and I feel so lonely and wistful now. For any creature comfort of home, really. I miss the smell of the fall air, and the way it almost violated my senses with its sharpness. It's very possible that this is just me romanticizing my home, but I swear that no matter where you stood in Ithaca, if you were still and listened very quietly, you could always hear the forceful rush of a waterfall. Sitting in the Commons is like witnessing everyday magic; there's always music playing, laughter permeates every corner, and the cacophony of birdsong coming from the cadre of birds playing in the fountains is one of the most amazing sounds in the world. To me, anyway.

I miss home.

I miss so much these days it's hard to keep up.

I'm continually dreaming about Dan. I don't think I've had a night where I didn't dream about him for the last week. I can't remember them clearly, but I know I'm having them. I remember flashes, particularly upon waking. So that's a thing. And it makes me so sad.

I'm almost done with my office. I'm just missing my rug, my chair, and my new chaise. My fancy new reading chaise. I also have to buy a new pair of glasses, since mine finally broke. After...eight years? On to the next, I guess.

She's naturally attractive; speaks with ad-lib, she's uncommonly talented.

I don't think I've been home for more than nine hours in the last week, and I've spent more of those hours sleeping than I have doing anything else. Let's see let's see let's see. What have I been doing, I hear you asking yourself. WELL I WILL TELL YOU.

Tuesday night: I went to sleep/moaned in anguish all night. Because how fucking fun does that sound? EPIC. Just kidding, it sucked.

Wednesday: Denver. Where I had a shitload of fun, drank WAY too fucking much (killed about half a handle of my boyfriend), and almost fell asleep on my way home at 2:00 in the morning.

Thursday: The busiest day of my week by about twenty miles. I finished almost all of my school stuff...like my ID? It's finally in my possession. And it's a good picture, as far as pictures involving my face go. I also spent 700 bucks on learning, because I bought all of my books. I managed to snag two used copies (only two out of the eight books were available used. This made me incredibly sad, but oh well), but had to pre-pay/order my Philosophy book, since it wasn't available. I was really tempted to drop the class right then and there, because it's the class I'm the least excited about, but I didn't. I ordered my book and then I went and bought office shit. I continued to run various errands, picked up Allen, ran more errands with him in tow, met up with Tosh and Ryan for early dinner at Tokyo Joe's (which was a fucking blast), then drove down to the movie theater where we met Stevie and her new manfriend Mike. Who is a god damn delight. Chris bailed for whatever reason (this is just how he's always been, but it never fails to be a bit aggravating when it happens), so it was just the four of us. The movie was fucking AWESOME (well, the movie wasn't. The movie was Starship Troopers. But the RIFFING was fantastic), and we laughed our asses off. We all went back to my apartment and got down to drinking. Expertly. Allen, Stevie, and I killed a bottle and a half of vodka (pineapple infused, which made it tolerable. Because otherwise, fucking gross. I hate vodka), and Mike killed a half of a case of some beer (one I've never heard of) that he brought a gigantic box of. We watched an MST3K and then a Rifftrax before I crashed on the floor due to large amounts of booze and the lateness of the hour. All in all, a very successful evening for my best friend's birthday.

Friday: I had to help Stevie clean out her old "apartment" at Cody and Rachel's, which was awkward and awful, and I hate how I no longer have any respect for someone who's been my friend for the better part of the last seven years.Chris came and helped out with that, I inherited a fancy office chair and a microwave (modern conveniences!), and there were lots of spiders. LOTS of spiders. Big ones. Ew. We went and had lunch, then I fell asleep at Allen's parents' house where we all were hanging out. The last few days had wiped me out so solidly, I just fell asleep on the big swing in the back while Chris and Allen and Stevie chatted. We were all supposed to hang out at my place again last night, but we were all pretty wiped out, so Stevie and Chris stayed home and Allen and I lazed about and watched three hours worth of educational videos. I did buy a new phone, though! An HTC One. I was going to buy the S4, but I did some research into the two phones, and the HTC One has a pretty fucking sweet camera set up. Since I'm exceptionally unreliable when it comes to having all of my camera equipment on hand at all times, I'm going for good camera on my phone so I can be somewhat prepared when there's something fantastic to take a picture of. The HTC One has an HDR setting that doesn't actually do HDR, but leads to better picture quality. I'm excited!

Which brings me to today. I'm at work (taking a break for the moment, clearly), and I have loads of things to do, since I'll be off tomorrow. There have been several agents coming up and needing things from me, the phones have been ringing off the hook, and I'm fairly swamped...even with all of that, the day is still managing to crawl the fuck by.

Depending on my energy levels, I may try and take some photos tonight out at the open space by my house, or of the tiny church with all of the deliciously naked trees behind it. We'll see how I feel. It's been a busy few days, and I have a feeling I'll be trying to crash at around 9.

Where the ghosts gather nightly to sell the devil their dreams

I was hoping that the sky would clear up enough tonight for me to see some Perseids this evening. Unfortunately, it didn't happen that way. They peak tomorrow, so I've got one more shot at this. But I'm going to do it properly...I'm going to wake up at 1 and go out at 1:30. Maybe then I'll get lucky. The sky is pretty clear right now, and if I weren't so fucking exhausted, I would have stayed out and gone back to GoG. But I'm pretty fucking sleepy, as it turns out.

I miss Dan.

Twistin' the night away

In 11 views, I'll have 2,000 total page views. This would delight me, except I'm wildly irked that I have NO FUCKING CLUE who's looking at my blog. Irked is a strong word. I'm just curious, really. So not only is irked a strong word, it's the wrong word.

The meteor shower last night was a bust. It was cloudy and sprinkling, and those elements do not make for good long exposure shots. I'm going to try again tonight. And hopefully by the time it peaks (which I think is tomorrow, but don't quote me on that), the weather will gracefully allow me to take photos.

What I DID do last night is paint. I worked on the weird, wants-to-be-a-sunset painting I posted a picture of yesterday, but I got frustrated, so I had to step away. I've had a gorgeous wood "canvas" (I feel silly putting quotation marks around canvas, but it's a kind of material. however, it's also very common to refer to whatever you're painting on as your canvas. I'm wrong and I'm right at the same time! It's the worst and best thing) for very literally a year and a half, just hanging out and waiting to be painted on. So I finally painted something on to it.

I really love it. It took two  hours, and I still have a little bit of tweaking to do, but for the most part, it's finished. What you can't see is the deep border that I've painted a gorgeously deep purple, and will be doing a gold band around, as well. I thought about maybe painting leaves onto it, but there's something so fantastic about bare trees. I really do love them. I don't think they look forlorn or scary...I think they're full of hope. All of the most beautiful parts of them are forthcoming; that's wonderful.

It turns out I'm a fucking idiot of epic proportions. I have to put air in one of my tires, so I texted Anali to let her know that I might be five minutes late. She texts me back with, "Next weekend, nerd." And now I feel silly. But the good news is, I won't be late next weekend! Which is precisely what I said.

So, here's the situation I'm living with right now:

Someone is filming a movie at my office right now. It's hilarious and perplexing. I'm being a complete and total creeper and watching them, and I cannot stop laughing (as quietly as I can) while everyone acts their little hearts out. It's like witnessing someone's bipolar internal dialogue, but live and with costume changes. The guy that's directing is a fucking riot, though. He's been trying to talk me into sitting in a few of the shots, and I'm completely uninterested. This is definitely the highlight of my day, though. They have fancy equipment, but aside from that, they don't seem to know what it is that they're doing. They've changed everything they've done over the last three hours at least three times each, and they're still discussing what to say, how to say it, and where to say it. Perhaps this is how it's done, but it seems awfully ineffective to me. Also, it's mildly irritating, since it's making ME less effective here today. They have to shoot in all of the places I need to be, and I'm slightly irritated. Or irked. Irked is back in the game! And properly! (Apparently, the movie is called Lost World, and this is shooting day 10. And they have some kind of new technology they've discovered that's going to separate their film from the rest of the...4K?...movies out there. I'm eavesdropping, obviously. And I can't stop ducking behind my computer and giggling under my breath) The director keeps coming over to chat with me, and I think they might have actually filmed me without my ability to stop them, because I've been on the phone.

I had a pretty intense conversation with both of my parents yesterday, at different times. I've had it with how mean and negative they can be to and about me, so I let both of them know. In no uncertain terms. And I feel very pleased with myself for it. I told Allen a few weeks ago that if the bullshit they hurl at me doesn't stop, I'm going to tell them both I don't want anything to do with them anymore. They are so intensely critical, and when I start something new, they speak about it like it's doomed to fail from the get-go because of decisions I made twelve years ago. I put my foot down about it last night, though. And I at the very least got an apology from my dad. My mom just said something or other about being honest. I told her to cut it out because I don't need it. So, hopefully this turns things with them around. And if it doesn't, I really have no qualms walking away from the negativity completely, because I don't want or need it.

I'm so pleased with how things are starting to turn up. There are a couple things I wish I could change, but I can't. And that's not admitting defeat, that's just me knowing when the sand grains have run out because I've dumped them, or because that's just how the sand grains fall.

Anyway. The movie crew has vacated the premises, and I can get back to work now.

Shameless poetry quotations and intentional blur

I'm putting these and one other thing in the ivory box next to my Chronicles of Narnia set, on the top of my bookshelf. Perhaps I was a fool to think they meant anything at all; perhaps I'm an even bigger fool for thinking that I did. I suppose it shouldn't matter now. I keep telling myself it doesn't, and I know I'm the only one actively suffering. Suffering at all, really. So I'm putting them away. I cannot bear the thought of getting rid of these three things, but I also can't keep them around as reminders of all the things I didn't mean and wasn't worth. They only serve to make me more sad than I already am. 

Maybe one day I'll open the box and reflect fondly on the things inside, or perhaps I'll find the resolve to get rid of them. I doubt that, however. So in the box they go.

And they will wait and wait in that space. 

There's wisdom there, you're sure

Today is the last day before my six day sabbatical. I am so fucking excited. I've been so god damn drained lately, and it's been excruciatingly hard for me to function as a normal adult during my daily activities.

I'm going to try and get out to take some photos tonight, and to write something positive when I upload photos here.

Last night was one of my first dreamless sleeps in weeks, but I still felt unsettled when I woke up.

Running yesterday was incredibly tough. My heart just wasn't in it. We completed the run, but I was super slow (averaging about 9:20 per mile, which is practically walking) and I wanted to quit the entire time. Usually, it's the part of my day that I look the most forward to, because I can unravel my head and I come away from my run feeling moderately better than I did when I started. Yesterday was just a rough day. I'm hoping that everything starts kicking in soon, and life starts feeling less like an ugly, ugly chore.

I did pick up a few extra things for Tosh and I to do before and after our run, though. I also started monitoring my food consumption so I can actually start eating like a human being instead of pecking at shit like a bird. I made myself a gigantic salad last night, because fuck yes, salad is my radar. I've stopped using salad dressing (I quit that shit last year, actually) and have opted for lemon juice. Because it's delicious. But I had lovely sweet butter lettuce, spring mix, corn, garbanzo beans, dark red kidney beans, carrots, avocado, and chicken. And my fucking avocado tasted funny, so I had to chuck it. And it kind of ruined my night.

I am absolutely 29 years old. An avocado ruined my night, and I'm blogging about a salad. Fuck. Me.

But, I get to have that exact same salad, sans avocado, tonight for dinner, and I'm wildly excited about it.

Tosh's husband Ryan is here at work, and I'm really tempted to buy him lunch so he'll go pick me up a sandwich.

I don't even give a fuck how boring this is. I'll take some pictures later, hopefully those make up for it, but honest to whatever, blogging about my big as fuck salad picked my mood back up.

I have a shitload of work to do since I won't be here for the next six days, and I don't want to leave anybody in a lurch while I'm gone. So I should get back to actually working. But this was a lovely little break.