I miss kissing you for no reason most of all, I think. Well, I always had reasons. But they weren't important. They were mostly because you were being you, and that is so incredible that grabbing your face and kissing you was the only thing I knew how to do.

I miss you constantly. It's knitted itself into my skin, kind of how people wear a comfortable sweater. Except this doesn't feel right. I tell you, every once and awhile. I tell you I miss you and you skate over it. i keep telling myself to not tell you I miss you anymore. I don't think you like hearing it. I don't know if that's because you don't miss me so you have nothing to say in response, or you don't catch it, or you do miss me, you'd just..I don't know. Rather not say.

Nighttime is the hardest time for me. Still. I have such a hard time sleeping without you. I dream about you all the time. Sometimes they're nightmares. Those don't hurt as much as the good dreams, though. I had a dream the other night where we were sitting on your couch, and I was laying with my head on your legs. We were just talking. It was so real. Real enough that when I woke up, I fully expected you to be crashed out right above me. Those dreams ruin me.

I've started having arguments with myself about how I should be handling this. I play the conversation we had sitting outside of your apartment in my head when this happens. I hear you telling me you don't love me. And when I hear that, I wonder what it is you have to think about. Knowing that should be answer enough for you. That's the trump card, I feel. If you don't love me, there's nothing tying you to me. I'm here, you're everywhere else, and I can't win. I can't beat out proximity, I can't beat out anything, I don't think. I told you once that I am a dime a dozen. I never used to actually believe that. It was some sort of warped play on humility. I believe it now, though. What's worse, I'm afraid I made you believe it, too.

Every once and awhile, I read through the emails you and I sent to each other when you were deployed. Not all of them, but I'll pick a particularly lengthy string and consume it. I missed you so much while you were gone, and emailing you during the day, then talking to you every night was the highlight of all of my time.