Super smart*** dynamo with a very feminist bikini area

I am god damn drowning.

My stats class is killing me. I hate admitting I'm bad at something academic, because the one place I get any self worth from is being kinda smart***, so having to be like, I'm actually really dumb in this class that my peers are breezing through is a blow to my historically fragile ego.

I AM bad at it, though. We have a paper due on Thursday that has been plaguing me for weeks. I've been trying to line up a tutor, but they're all booked. I even shelled out for Chegg Tutoring, but I keep getting passed around and nobody on there can help. I emailed their customer service, but I don't expect to hear from them in time.

I fucking wish I still talked to Dan. He is probably the most math capable person I've ever met, and I have a feeling he'd be able to help me. I literally spent an hour with my email open, debating on whether or not I should send him something that was along the lines of, "heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy stranger! I know it's been a solid five years of us not speaking to each other because I say things I don't mean when I'm angry, and five years of you ignoring my emails where I tried to extend an olive branch and apologize for being a cunt so maybe we could be friends without the drama....all of that aside, can you uh...help me with my math homework?" I obviously opted to not, but the urge was strong. Mostly because I know he'd ignore me, honestly. If I thought for a SECOND he'd respond? I would have already sent that email out weeks ago. Of all the fucking exes to burn bridges with, I am a dumb dumb for burning bridges with the smartest one. Well, mathematically the smartest one. Not that Dan wasn't brilliant at most things, it was kind of what I loved most about him (other than his callous disregard for my love of him and his constant pushing me away, giving me something unobtainable to chase, because I can't see what people need and I am unable to give it to them once I do because I am obsessed with people loving me if I love them. That shit is catnip to me).


Let this be a lesson: Stay good with your exes. Not only will you miss their friendship if you burn that bridge, but nobody will be able to help you with your homework seven years after you split up, and five years after you stop talking because you screwed the figurative pooch with your off the cuff bitchiness and your inability to do anything other than jump on the offensive when confronted with bad behavior.



*** only kinda smart. I think I'm more clever at being able to trick people into thinking I'm smarter than I actually AM, which definitely has value, but uh...here aint it, chief.