Self worthy Jesus

I dyed my hair purple a few weeks ago, and I fucking hated it, so I put hot pink over it. 

I went and got my hairs cut yesterday because I looked like a sloppy, raggedy ass bitchface.

The early morning glare doesn't do the color justice, because I ombred it out and there's a really cool fade going through my hair, but whatever.

Derek is on a mission for the next week, so I won't see him for days and days, which means I have to spend more time doing homework and I just don't wanna.

I've been designing my website, and I think I have settled on a rough design, now I just need to figure out if the girl doing the actual designing is still doing it. I emailed her yesterday (after emailing in January and never hearing back...outlook doesn't look so great) and now I'm waiting to hear back. I'll bug her on insta if I don't hear from her by Wednesday. She's so fucking sweet, and I REALLY like her as a person, but our business relationship has been tumultuous. Through no real fault of hers, this isn't me talking shit. She's had health issues and family issues, and I super understand that shit. I'm also not very persistent because I either feel bad being a micromanaging pest, or because I'm busy with school or moving or having a crisis of confidence. Between her stuff and mine, it's been a rocky two years trying to get this off the ground.

But now, I feel a lot more confident about what I'm setting out to do, and I want to get all of this under way. Though one thing that IS freaking me out is putting a model call out on instagram. I haven't quite gotten up the nerve to do that. I reached out to one girl I found on Model Mayhem (which...it's bottom barrel and I know it, but I just need two more shoots and I am fucking done with marketing photos) and she didn't want to do my shoot, she wanted to do something TOTALLY different and then she never followed up, so fuck me, I guess. I've been trying to get Derek to talk girls at work into doing the shoots for me, but it hasn't really worked out thus far. I am not making friends at school because I'm so fucking much older than everybody else and also...like...it's a math class. Nobody is happy in math class. Not the best place to try and chummy up to people to get them to do a photoshoot. For all they know I'm a murdery creep that wants to wear their tits as a hat. I asked a male friend of mine to do one and I haven't heard back from him, and I have a female friend who says she'll do a shoot but she keeps rescheduling coming by to try the piece on, and I'm just frustrated. I think I really have to do one of the shoots, and I just don't fucking want to. I am not photogenic in the least, and I don't have a photogenic body, so I'd really rather not slither into something skin tight and whale my way through a photoshoot done by my husband who, while a good photographer, doesn't see these shoots the way I do. I need to be behind the camera, and I know it.

I think this is the shittiest thing about the way I operate. I tell myself nobody is interested in me as a photographer, so I don't put myself out there like a normal person would, but I don't put myself out there so nobody can be interested in my as a photographer. I'm the worst kind of person. Especially because I'm aware of this shit.

Just two more shoots, maybe three so I can redo the first of these shoots, and I can get everything up and running. It's just getting three people to nail it down.