I wanted to listen to Jim Croce, so Youtube sent me down a lovely listening path as I was editing photos. I was singing along to Gordon Lightfoot's If You Could Read My Mind, minding my own business, fluffing up ass cheeks in Photoshop as one does. The next song up was Unchained Melody, and I realized I hadn't listened to that song in a really long time, and as I started singing, I remembered why.
A few months into my relationship with Dan, I was seriously wondering what the fuck we were doing. There were no labels on our relationship, at his insistence, I hadn't met any of his friends, he really fucking didn't want to meet mine, I had no fucking clue what was going on. When he invited me to a military ball, I was like, holy shit, this is it, this is like, so totally a girlfriend invite (Except, I mean, not. Like, not at all, though? Just not. I have since met so many people that don't take a girlfriend, but take a girl friend). My friend Ian, also military and should have known better than to fan the flames of hope I had, was like, YES YUOU ARREEE GIRLFRAN. I was so fucking excited.
I got this great coral dress that Dan fucking HATED because he said the color was loud (yes. Yes it was, that was the point. I wanted to be noticed with him) and I should have opted for something classic, the general undertone for how he felt about me, I think. I was loud and he should have opted for something classic. I accessorized WILDLY. I got the fucking BIGGEST ring I could find and wore it on my middle finger as an extra fuck you, and I wore big ol' earrings. I was like Melanie Griffith in Born Yesterday, but, you know, poor. Obviously poor. I had planned on having so much fun that night, because I figured that being there with Dan meant he'd have to introduce me as SOMEONE with a relation to him, and I was going to find out, without asking, who I was in the storyboard of his personal life. I was in a group of people, Dan didn't introduce me at all, I introduced myself, and when someone asked Dan who I was, he was like, oh, this is Ondrea. She meant who I was to him, I could tell, and I remember my face and body just deflating. A young man in the group must have noticed how quickly my body language went from 'proud coral peacock girlfriend' to 'melted sherbet with no meaning", because he put his hand on my shoulder, smiled at me, and said, "I really like that ring. It's so big and bold." And I turned to Dan, who hadn't even been paying attention to me, and yelled, "HA! I TOLD YOU!" Dan looked at me with confusion, and I loudly said, "HEEEEEEEEEEEEE likes my ring, it isn't ugly." And he said, "Ok." and then rejoined the conversation. That perked me up just a wee bit. Enough to tide me over.
As I stood uselessly in the group, not talking to anybody because I felt stupid, and not being talked to because I assume nobody thought I was important enough to be talked to, I let my eyes wander around the lobby of the Antlers, and I caught the eye of the photographer that was there, taking photos of the couples for ten bucks or something super minimal like that. I had pulled cash because it was a cash bar, and I wanted to have an emergency slush fund JUUUUUUUUUUUUST IN CASE. We locked eyes for a minute and I turned away, so naturally, the second we walked by his little kiosk set up thing, he stopped us and asked us if we wanted our picture taken. I looked at Dan, and Dan was shaking his head, and I asked how much it was. The guy said the amount, I told Dan I'd pay for it, and Dan was like, yeah, no. And the guy was like, don't you want a picture of you guys to remember the evening? And Dan was like, no thank you, and walked away. I let go of his arm and I was like, hey, I have to go to the bathroom, where will you be? And he said he'd be by the bar. I went outside, took a cigarette out of my clutch, and started bawling. I texted Ian that I had been introduced not as girlfriend, or date, or even friend, I had either been charged with introducing myself, or I was just "Ondrea". Ian responded with, and I won't forget this for some time, "Ouch. So leave."
And I really wanted to. I really did. But I felt rude. I felt rude about leaving Dan stranded at a ball that I had agreed to go to with him, even though I had no title and Dan was never straight with me about who I was to him. I know being stuck feeling like that was partially my fault, but that's the beauty of hindsight and growth. I can see how I enabled that, but in that moment, I blamed him for how shitty I felt, but I also didn't want to stand him up when he'd paid for me to be there, and I'd already bought a dress. So I smoked my cigarette, and headed for the bathroom. I must have looked messy, because this lovely woman in a gorgeous purple dress was like, oh man, we need to fix your make up, are you ok? And I was like, yeah, I am just super sad that the guy I'm here with is deploying (it was a pre-deployment ball, so not out of line for me to say). So she bought it and fixed me up. I stood in the stupid receiving line and got a compliment on my dress color by some huge big wig there, and I was gutted that Dan hadn't heard because Dan was already walking into the ballroom.
At that point in the evening, I was ready to drink and numb myself down. I felt really dumb being there, and I wanted to go home. Dan asked me what I wanted to drink, I told him I wanted a rum and coke, he obliged, and we sat together, barely speaking. I don't think Dan knew I was upset, and I certainly wasn't going to cause a scene, so he was quiet for some reason I didn't know, and I was quiet so I couldn't cry. The ball got underway, they did their stupid army shit, I didn't enjoy myself, Dan seemed to enjoy himself enough for both of us, and when the formalities were over and the dancing started, I asked Dan if he wanted to dance. Is anybody surprised by me saying he didn't?
Hooray! Because he didn't. So he wandered around, chatting to people, leaving me by myself at the table because everybody else was dancing or mingling and I didn't know anybody, and I felt stupid, and I was ready to cry all over again, but I didn't. I kept that shit in because I am a champion. I just kept sipping rum and coke doubles and waiting for shit to be over. I had been sitting alone for a really long time. At least thirty minutes, MAYBE an hour, when Unchained Melody came on. I was watching everybody dance, and feeling generally very sorry for myself, when Dan tapped me on the shoulder, grabbed my hand, and danced with me. It was awkward, but it was the highlight of my night. It was the one dance I got, and despite the evening being so shitty, and despite Dan kinda treating me like garbage all night, I forgot all of that because he did the literal minimum. I was on a cloud the rest of the night, for real.
So much so that when I got home the next morning at 5am to an empty house, I couldn't go back to sleep. I tried, but I couldn't stop singing Unchained Melody. It was going around and around my brain, so I played it for two hours straight, very literally. I sang it so loudly, because my house was empty. Allen was at work, Gabriel was at grandma and grandpa's, and it wasn't just them that was gone, my whole BUILDING was at work already, and nobody could fucking hear me. It was that kind of singing. You know, where you're practicing your Broadway voice and singing the truest way that you can and I was just really fucking belting it out and dancing and I heard this fucking WEIRD sound, like someone running back and forth and back and forth and back and forth upstairs in my townhouse. I assumed I was imagining it, but I turned the music down a little bit and put on my indoor Broadway voice. The one I'd use if I were doing a performance at the Tony's, but an in Memorium performance. I was a bit more subdued for the next few rounds, and that's when the bangs started.
Every few moments, a loud THUMP would echo through the upstairs floor into my room. Sometimes three, then two, then silence, then two. I shouted out a very timid, "....hello?" Nothing. I mean, to be fair, ghosts and robbers and rapists don't ever go, "oh, yeah, sorry, I'm here, it's just me, no worries!" I went upstairs, all the rooms were empty, I was so confused. I went outside to see if there were maybe neighbors home that normally weren't, and they were irritated with my singing. Nope, nobody outside. So I blared the song back up to eight thousand, but I stopped singing, because I was freaked out. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw something big and white floating down the stairs. I was in full fucking panic mode now. The bumping started again, and then the running sound.
I turned the music up louder and felt the fear tears prickling my eyes as more things started floating down the stairs. It was all clothes. Clothes were being thrown down the stairs. The shirts were graceful, but the pants were not. And then a bunch of Gabriel's toy balls came flying down the stairs, and I was fucking TERRIFIED. I was so god damn scared. I turned down the music and I was like, "HELLO??? HELLO???"
And Allen's naked ass comes FLYING DOWN THE FUCKING STAIRS, shouting HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO in as stupid a voice as he could manage and you guys, I was so fucking relieved and angry and amused I didn't even know what to fucking do.
Allen got to the bottom of the stairs and very calmly said, "So, how was the ball?"
And that is why I don't listen to Unchained Melody anymore, because the last time I did, I thought my house was being robbed by a clothes hating ghost.
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