Sunday, August 31, 2014
When the last light warms the rocks, and the rattlesnakes unfold
I drove up to the top of Pikes Peak yesterday. It was fucking amazing, even though I felt slightly buzzed due to the altitude. I made quite a few stops on the way up, and I took a lot of pictures just to keep a record of how beautiful it was. I didn't really bother trying to make them good pictures, because they're for posterity instead of aesthetics. I did take a few for the latter purpose, however. Here they are:
So, I tried to move this photo so it would be underneath the big version, but the attempt only served to irritate me. But I LOVED this woman. She just threw her arms out and cried Freedom. Not literally, but she really does look so absolutely herself. It was so wonderful to witness. I'm glad I got a picture, even if it's not good.
So obviously, this is the full version of the other photo. Double the freedom! It's a BOGO deal!
I stopped at this bit of tree because the lighting was lovely, and I liked the tree roots. It looks kind of over processed, but I really didn't do anything to the photo. I just happened to catch the interesting shadows and light playing together. Neat!
Oh man. I loved this couple. So much. She kept saying she was chilly, and he'd hug her and rub her arms and kiss her temple. It was sweet. And lonely.
I love these little viewers! And they're everywhere at the summit. Unsurprisingly. Again, I didn't mess with the colors. The sky was that fucking blue, and it was perfect.
This song is fucking doing it for me right now. I think it's annoying Allen. I'm sitting in the living room, multitasking this entry and psychology homework and listening to it over and over. He looks just about the furthest from pleased I've ever seen a human look. I don't even care. It's such a good song. It's full of solid lines, and his voice is gorgeous. Let's listen to it again. Yes yes yes.
Friday, August 29, 2014
Burn everything...the heat lifts you faster.
So, the professor for my Human Geography class had a moment last night during lecture where she stopped and stared for a moment at nothing, and then shook herself out of it and explained that she has "washing machine moments". She went on to elaborate, saying that sometimes, she stands at the washing machine and thinks about how lucky she is to be where and when she is, and the fact that she's intersecting with such an amazing time and place to be just blows her mind. I loved it.
I don't generally think about things like that, because I'm so fucking used to it. I take it all for granted, and every once in a rare while, I do think about how I take everything for granted, but I don't think about how amazing everything I have is. I don't think about my smart phone, I don't think about my refrigerator, I don't think about my washer and dryer. I don't even think about my bed. And last night, I did. I didn't feel guilty or bad for having the things and opportunities I have, because it's luck of the draw, and I can't help that. I did feel infinitely more grateful for everything, however. That birth lottery really worked out for me. I don't have much, but I have so much more than a great deal of the world. That's so fucking sad, but guilt for that won't change anything. Action will, and I'm waiting for the right time to be proactive about fostering change in the places where it matters (I just found an AMAZING opportunity in Cape Town that I am aching for the chance to do, but it's three grand to do it, so I have to save up for a little bit, and because it's a twelve week program, I'm thinking that after I get my BS, I'll take advantage of it. For now, I'm content with volunteering for hospice and Stand Up For Kids the three or four times a year I can make it. I recognize that helping in my own backyard is important, too, and I think easing the passing of the dying, and aiding homeless kids in whatever ways I can are the best things I can do).
There's a speech written by David Foster Wallace (I'm not a fan of his, just so you know) called This is Water, and as much as I dislike his writing, I find myself thinking about the condensed version of that commencement speech constantly. I have figured out a lot about myself in the last year and a half. There's a bit in that speech, if you don't listen to it or haven't heard it, where he talks about looking around and feeling irritated by everybody else, and how they look, and what they're doing. He speaks about it with the purpose of choosing to think about these people and their lives, and to recognize that they have secret lives that you don't know or understand, and instead of judging them and being angry with them, to practice empathy and not be angry, because who knows what their lives are like? There's a certain amount of wisdom in that, and that IS something I try and do. However, I've also realized that it's ok to not. It's ok to be angry with people, and feel frustrated with people, and all of those things that I do that make me a terrible person are just...me being human. It's ok to recognize how flat eyed and boring people look, because it helps me recognize how rich and vast my own brain is, and it helps me feel like this beautiful, colored creature walking through the painfully grey land of the dead. And I like it that way.
There's more than one way to live., and just because someone else describes a way to do it differently than you are doesn't make you wrong, it makes you different. Those differences are important, even when they're differences we think are morally reprehensible. It's all important. Even the stupid shit. Even walking through the painfully grey land of the dead. I love every single bit of it. If that's all I get from school outside of my degrees, it's all money and time well spent.
Fuck yes. Being alive is god damn amazing, even when it hurts.
I don't generally think about things like that, because I'm so fucking used to it. I take it all for granted, and every once in a rare while, I do think about how I take everything for granted, but I don't think about how amazing everything I have is. I don't think about my smart phone, I don't think about my refrigerator, I don't think about my washer and dryer. I don't even think about my bed. And last night, I did. I didn't feel guilty or bad for having the things and opportunities I have, because it's luck of the draw, and I can't help that. I did feel infinitely more grateful for everything, however. That birth lottery really worked out for me. I don't have much, but I have so much more than a great deal of the world. That's so fucking sad, but guilt for that won't change anything. Action will, and I'm waiting for the right time to be proactive about fostering change in the places where it matters (I just found an AMAZING opportunity in Cape Town that I am aching for the chance to do, but it's three grand to do it, so I have to save up for a little bit, and because it's a twelve week program, I'm thinking that after I get my BS, I'll take advantage of it. For now, I'm content with volunteering for hospice and Stand Up For Kids the three or four times a year I can make it. I recognize that helping in my own backyard is important, too, and I think easing the passing of the dying, and aiding homeless kids in whatever ways I can are the best things I can do).
There's a speech written by David Foster Wallace (I'm not a fan of his, just so you know) called This is Water, and as much as I dislike his writing, I find myself thinking about the condensed version of that commencement speech constantly. I have figured out a lot about myself in the last year and a half. There's a bit in that speech, if you don't listen to it or haven't heard it, where he talks about looking around and feeling irritated by everybody else, and how they look, and what they're doing. He speaks about it with the purpose of choosing to think about these people and their lives, and to recognize that they have secret lives that you don't know or understand, and instead of judging them and being angry with them, to practice empathy and not be angry, because who knows what their lives are like? There's a certain amount of wisdom in that, and that IS something I try and do. However, I've also realized that it's ok to not. It's ok to be angry with people, and feel frustrated with people, and all of those things that I do that make me a terrible person are just...me being human. It's ok to recognize how flat eyed and boring people look, because it helps me recognize how rich and vast my own brain is, and it helps me feel like this beautiful, colored creature walking through the painfully grey land of the dead. And I like it that way.
There's more than one way to live., and just because someone else describes a way to do it differently than you are doesn't make you wrong, it makes you different. Those differences are important, even when they're differences we think are morally reprehensible. It's all important. Even the stupid shit. Even walking through the painfully grey land of the dead. I love every single bit of it. If that's all I get from school outside of my degrees, it's all money and time well spent.
Fuck yes. Being alive is god damn amazing, even when it hurts.
Thursday, August 28, 2014
A careful man tries to dodge the bullets, while a happy man takes a walk
A week in review!
So, since I have no classes on Fridays, my first week at school this semester is done. As a warning, this may be long and introspective (read: silly to everyone but me). You've been warned, and you now have time to prepare.
Let's go over day by day, with a synopsis of class and how I feel about it, because what could be more interesting (boring)?
Monday: Logic
I am the least interested in this class. Not due to the subject matter, due to my peers. Most of them are insufferable when they talk. To give you an example, Here was a conversation that happened in class, after we had paired off in our groups and were given our debate topics for the debate next week. Just to give a bit of information here, she gave us a list of five topics, and we won't be given a topic or the side we're fighting for until Wednesday. The topics were:
- Should sex education be taught in schools?
- Should "Under God" be taken out of the pledge of allegiance?
- Should all gun owners have to register every gun they own?
- Does God exist?
- Should illegal immigrants be eligible for healthcare benefits?
And now you now. So. The following conversation happened in my group:
Peer: If we get the god topic, and we have to argue that God exists, would you guys mind if I sit out the debate?
Me:....Yes.
Peer: Well, it's just I've had bad experiences with talking about God.
Me: Ok, but you're being assigned a point of view. It's not necessarily yours.
Peer: When I was in elementary school, I had books thrown at my head for saying I believed in God.
Me: I will throw a book at your head if you sit out of this debate and I lose credit because of it.
Peer #2 (I call him Starburns. Because he looks just like Starburns): Kid...have you ever BEEN to college before?
Peer: This is my second semester.
Starburns: Nobody is going to throw a book at your head. We're grown ups.
Peer: I'd feel more comfortable sitting it out.
Me: Well, I vote no. You talk to the professor, and if she greenlights it, whatever. But I say no.
Starburns, to me: Good luck with this one.
Despite my extreme refusal to believe that ridiculous fucking story, I would have been far more inclined to feel sympathetic if he had said he didn't want to argue against god's existence, because he never wanted to say god doesn't exist. That I could get behind. But I will not get behind a group of elementary schoolers chucking books at some kid's head because he believed in God. I could provide a shitload of reasons why that is highly improbable, but I won't waste my time. Just know that it is.
I don't even know what I was saying anymore. Oh, yeah. Everybody shouted out what I found to be extremely elementary ideas, and I rolled my eyes quite a bit. Make no mistake, I am fully aware this is me being a condescending, pretentious, horribly judgmental cunt, and it is, in no way, an actual representation of the intelligence of these people (*).
* Yes, it is.
Tuesday: The Sociology of Deviant Behavior
This class. Is going to be. AWESOME. It's already so interactive, and the subject matter is fucking fascinating. But the class is long, and late at night. There is an element in the class that makes me EXTREMELY sad, and kind of uncomfortable in a way that's hard to explain, but it doesn't matter. I can sit in my car and be sad about it every day after I get out of class. Only 15 weeks left of it. I'll be fine. TO sum up, I'm pretty much really excited for this class.
Wednesday: Psychology I
I also have logic in the morning, just so you know.
This class is fucking LONG. I don't get out of it until 10pm. There's a guy in my class that I know through Allen via Facebook, and he's kind of an incredible douche. Thankfully, I don't think he recognized me. The class is already fascinating, though, Last night, after class, I didn't even change my clothes. I laid down on the couch and passed the fuck out in my hoodie, jeans, and shoes. Long hair, don't care.
Thursday: Human Geography
I. Love. This. Course. I had a few breakthrough kinds of moments about myself...not all of them positive...but I will have to write about them tomorrow.
I've been home for an hour (it's 10:00), and I've been writing this while I cooked myself some mac and cheese. I am going to probably fall asleep with my head in the bowl and wake up with noodles in my hair. I'm exhausted, but mostly pleased.
So, since I have no classes on Fridays, my first week at school this semester is done. As a warning, this may be long and introspective (read: silly to everyone but me). You've been warned, and you now have time to prepare.
Let's go over day by day, with a synopsis of class and how I feel about it, because what could be more interesting (boring)?
Monday: Logic
I am the least interested in this class. Not due to the subject matter, due to my peers. Most of them are insufferable when they talk. To give you an example, Here was a conversation that happened in class, after we had paired off in our groups and were given our debate topics for the debate next week. Just to give a bit of information here, she gave us a list of five topics, and we won't be given a topic or the side we're fighting for until Wednesday. The topics were:
- Should sex education be taught in schools?
- Should "Under God" be taken out of the pledge of allegiance?
- Should all gun owners have to register every gun they own?
- Does God exist?
- Should illegal immigrants be eligible for healthcare benefits?
And now you now. So. The following conversation happened in my group:
Peer: If we get the god topic, and we have to argue that God exists, would you guys mind if I sit out the debate?
Me:....Yes.
Peer: Well, it's just I've had bad experiences with talking about God.
Me: Ok, but you're being assigned a point of view. It's not necessarily yours.
Peer: When I was in elementary school, I had books thrown at my head for saying I believed in God.
Me: I will throw a book at your head if you sit out of this debate and I lose credit because of it.
Peer #2 (I call him Starburns. Because he looks just like Starburns): Kid...have you ever BEEN to college before?
Peer: This is my second semester.
Starburns: Nobody is going to throw a book at your head. We're grown ups.
Peer: I'd feel more comfortable sitting it out.
Me: Well, I vote no. You talk to the professor, and if she greenlights it, whatever. But I say no.
Starburns, to me: Good luck with this one.
Despite my extreme refusal to believe that ridiculous fucking story, I would have been far more inclined to feel sympathetic if he had said he didn't want to argue against god's existence, because he never wanted to say god doesn't exist. That I could get behind. But I will not get behind a group of elementary schoolers chucking books at some kid's head because he believed in God. I could provide a shitload of reasons why that is highly improbable, but I won't waste my time. Just know that it is.
I don't even know what I was saying anymore. Oh, yeah. Everybody shouted out what I found to be extremely elementary ideas, and I rolled my eyes quite a bit. Make no mistake, I am fully aware this is me being a condescending, pretentious, horribly judgmental cunt, and it is, in no way, an actual representation of the intelligence of these people (*).
* Yes, it is.
Tuesday: The Sociology of Deviant Behavior
This class. Is going to be. AWESOME. It's already so interactive, and the subject matter is fucking fascinating. But the class is long, and late at night. There is an element in the class that makes me EXTREMELY sad, and kind of uncomfortable in a way that's hard to explain, but it doesn't matter. I can sit in my car and be sad about it every day after I get out of class. Only 15 weeks left of it. I'll be fine. TO sum up, I'm pretty much really excited for this class.
Wednesday: Psychology I
I also have logic in the morning, just so you know.
This class is fucking LONG. I don't get out of it until 10pm. There's a guy in my class that I know through Allen via Facebook, and he's kind of an incredible douche. Thankfully, I don't think he recognized me. The class is already fascinating, though, Last night, after class, I didn't even change my clothes. I laid down on the couch and passed the fuck out in my hoodie, jeans, and shoes. Long hair, don't care.
Thursday: Human Geography
I. Love. This. Course. I had a few breakthrough kinds of moments about myself...not all of them positive...but I will have to write about them tomorrow.
I've been home for an hour (it's 10:00), and I've been writing this while I cooked myself some mac and cheese. I am going to probably fall asleep with my head in the bowl and wake up with noodles in my hair. I'm exhausted, but mostly pleased.
Saturday, August 23, 2014
You penetrate right through me
First thing's first:
I want this. So very, very much. Being a broke as fuck college student does not have its benefits right at this very moment.
Secondly, I haven't written in here in awhile due to being exceptionally busy reading brainy as hell books. I've taken a decided detour on all things not reading and opted for reading. It's been lovely. I'm currently working through A Brief History of Time (and delighting myself with how much of it I knew already), up next is The Universe in a Nutshell. I'm pleased that reading Hawking is not as challenging as I remember it being the first time I picked up The Universe in a Nutshell. Which, admittedly, I did in an effort to look smart. That fucking backfired, obviously, because I didn't understand it, and I wound up skipping HUGE parts of the book and skimming the rest. It's hilarious and slightly odd that my attempts to try and be cool when I was a teenager were deeply rooted in being perceived as smart. That's still how I roll thirteen years later, however, I don't have to try. I'm both smart AND cool, and now I read the books I say I'm reading or have read, I understand them, and I ENJOY them. Good on me! I also may or may not have rejoiced in finding punctuation errors in A Brief History of Time. While I know that publishers and editors are in charge of picking those up and weeding them out, and occasionally for getting them in there in the first place, I ignored all of that and internally gloated about the one time I had the brain edge on Stephen Hawking. Allen said I was a moron when I explained this to him.
I'll be going out for photos tonight. The Milky Way won't be visible for much longer, and now that I can, I'd like to go out and try to get a decent picture of it. Tomorrow is pancakes from scratch, and then the aquarium (I wisely bought myself a membership to it at the beginning of the year. I get in for free until April of 2015. Bonus!). I always wind up taking the same fucking pictures while I'm there, so I'm going to try and do different things this time.
Stevie is moving back home because she's just been overrun by money problems, so she's giving me her beautiful red couch today. I'm so excited. I'm also excited that I don't have to move anything because of my useless arm. Hooray, valid excuses!
I'll be getting my hair extensions in in a few weeks, which isn't really newsworthy, I'm just trying to catch up on everything that's going on.
My little sister has started her first semester of college at AUM. My mom says she loves it, and I couldn't be more pleased.
The Guardians of the Galaxy soundtrack is the best purchase (read: download) I've ever had made for me.
School starts on Monday morning, and my backpack is heavy as fuck. I have the fuzziest pencil/pen case. It looks like a mop dog, but purple. I'm still such a twelve year old girl.
I'll try and update this at the end of the week. I don't have school on Friday, which is a definite bonus, and I can start figuring out a time schedule for myself. This is going to be an incredibly busy semester.
I want this. So very, very much. Being a broke as fuck college student does not have its benefits right at this very moment.
Secondly, I haven't written in here in awhile due to being exceptionally busy reading brainy as hell books. I've taken a decided detour on all things not reading and opted for reading. It's been lovely. I'm currently working through A Brief History of Time (and delighting myself with how much of it I knew already), up next is The Universe in a Nutshell. I'm pleased that reading Hawking is not as challenging as I remember it being the first time I picked up The Universe in a Nutshell. Which, admittedly, I did in an effort to look smart. That fucking backfired, obviously, because I didn't understand it, and I wound up skipping HUGE parts of the book and skimming the rest. It's hilarious and slightly odd that my attempts to try and be cool when I was a teenager were deeply rooted in being perceived as smart. That's still how I roll thirteen years later, however, I don't have to try. I'm both smart AND cool, and now I read the books I say I'm reading or have read, I understand them, and I ENJOY them. Good on me! I also may or may not have rejoiced in finding punctuation errors in A Brief History of Time. While I know that publishers and editors are in charge of picking those up and weeding them out, and occasionally for getting them in there in the first place, I ignored all of that and internally gloated about the one time I had the brain edge on Stephen Hawking. Allen said I was a moron when I explained this to him.
I'll be going out for photos tonight. The Milky Way won't be visible for much longer, and now that I can, I'd like to go out and try to get a decent picture of it. Tomorrow is pancakes from scratch, and then the aquarium (I wisely bought myself a membership to it at the beginning of the year. I get in for free until April of 2015. Bonus!). I always wind up taking the same fucking pictures while I'm there, so I'm going to try and do different things this time.
Stevie is moving back home because she's just been overrun by money problems, so she's giving me her beautiful red couch today. I'm so excited. I'm also excited that I don't have to move anything because of my useless arm. Hooray, valid excuses!
I'll be getting my hair extensions in in a few weeks, which isn't really newsworthy, I'm just trying to catch up on everything that's going on.
My little sister has started her first semester of college at AUM. My mom says she loves it, and I couldn't be more pleased.
The Guardians of the Galaxy soundtrack is the best purchase (read: download) I've ever had made for me.
School starts on Monday morning, and my backpack is heavy as fuck. I have the fuzziest pencil/pen case. It looks like a mop dog, but purple. I'm still such a twelve year old girl.
I'll try and update this at the end of the week. I don't have school on Friday, which is a definite bonus, and I can start figuring out a time schedule for myself. This is going to be an incredibly busy semester.
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