A few years ago, I graduated with my MA in Human Development. Like the completionist I am, I set myself to looking into PhD programs. I really and truly did my due diligence in looking for PhD programs that suited my focus. I know I've written about this all over the last few years...I contemplated applying to Cornell and ultimately decided not to...I didn't apply for the last year and half because I am so disgusted at how universities have responded to calls for transparency in relations with Israel/divestment from Israeli interests and the further genocide of Palestinians, the encampments in protest of genocide...places of higher education have a lot of explaining to do, and a lot of wrongs to right (and obviously not just in the last few years, but all across the board), and I had every intention of continuing to not apply in protest until several people I am in community with were like...uh bitch, nobody is calling for that boycott yet, just apply.
So I'm applying.
I found two programs that were an absolute dream to me:
Feminist Studies PhD (Seattle)
A dream program for me, honestly. It is ideal, and everything that I'm looking for, however I am very little of what THEY are looking for. I am an exceptionally poor, not at all competitive candidate. Derek told me to apply anyway, as he always does when I say that I am not the right fit for something. I told him the same thing I always tell him: I do not want to waste someone's time when I know full well I am not a good fit, and I also do not want someone in a position that I respect in a program I admire thinking I cannot read or understand the kind of candidate they desire.
and
Educational Equity, Justice, Equity, and Diverse Identities EdD (Denver)
Another dream program for me, but their recruitment doesn't start until July 2026, and I am not even sure if that means their cohort meets in 2027. It could mean 2028. I think this program is a far better fit for me, but the latency of it gave me pause, and I think that I could achieve similar goals in another program. But still, an all around incredible program (in a state I fucking LOVE).
Obviously I did not apply to either of those programs. I instead went with:
Family Science and Human Development PhD (Denver)
I submitted my application for this program today, earlier this afternoon. Just under the wire, with exactly two weeks to spare before the application deadline. It is an excellent program, and while it isn't JEDI or a PhD in Feminist Studies, it is a wonderful, wonderful program. I have met with a few of the faculty, and they're all wonderful. I found a professor with a focus similar to mine that was happy to talk with me about upcoming research opportunities, which is nice, as in order to apply you have to talk with faculty and find a willing mentor. The program is very, very good.
and
I won't lie, I initially grabbed this one just to have a place in upstate/central NY because I want to go home so bad. I was not terribly hyped about this program, it just seemed pretty basic bitch to me. But then I met with the director after weeks of emailing back and forth, and I got kind of really excited about it. I think this could be a really fantastic program. They focus on eight core areas:
Inequalities
Globalization, Immigration, Transnational Studies
Population and Place
Education and Family
Health, Aging, and the Life Course, Disability
Power, Capital, and Politics
Methods
Theory
Now the latter two I could live without, but the other six? I challenge you to find a way that queerness and the further marginalized inside of the queer community are not issues for each and every one of them. Plus I really like the director.
The deadline for Syracuse is January 10th. All I have left to do is write my personal statement....sadly my personal statement for UC Denver is not usable. I have one more letter of rec that needs to be sent to Syracuse, but she already let me know she'd need the break between deadlines to get them both done. Now, Syracuse doesn't require you to find a willing mentor, but the director did tell me it would behoove me to do so. I reached out to three faculty members, and only heard back from one. I'll be reaching back out to the director today to bemoan my lack of responses, but I'm not sure it'll matter much.
But I have officially sent in my first PhD application. Which feels strange? I have spent the last few months really thinking about where I started my higher education journey. Once upon a time, I knew I'd be going to college. I knew I'd be getting a doctorate. I made my own college swag and adorned both my body and my room with it. I told people I was going to go to Cornell, and once I was "scouted" by Duke I told people I was going to Duke. Little me was always so sure of my academic promise, mostly because I had been hailed as a genius my entire life, in all of the gifted programs, targeted and sought after by Magnet schools (as if any of this means anything truly translatable when it comes to brains, potential, or talent, but what did I know?), but also because what else do smart little girls dream of? I never wanted to be a mother or a wife, that was all exceptionally boring. My playtime and daydreams focused on adventures and travel and bigger things than sedentary domesticity. I didn't know to dream of anything else. I stalled out when the sirens of domesticity forcibly drowned me, and I decided to make the most of the life I had by doing just enough to scrape by, and secretly knowing I could have been A Real Somebody once upon a time. I met Dan and he made me want to be a somebody again, but not for the right reasons yet...I wanted to be a somebody to HIM, and I I know I either always should have been or never should have been a partner, but wanting to be the kind of person he saw as worthy put me in college, and even though I wasn't in the right field yet, I knew college was the right starting point. I was almost to my BS in Business Administration when I was like, bruh I hate this, I hate Dan, and I hate myself for thinking this is who I needed to be...who am I actually? Changed majors to Psychology, got my BA in psychology (with honors, no less), and said to myself...is this it? Or can I be more?
And I pushed further and got my MA in Human Development. I struggled, because higher education...education of any kind, really...is not built for autistic people. I had breakdowns, I lost faith in myself, I was angry at the lack of intersectionality, and I stuck with it and graduated with a 3.8 GPA. Not top of my class as defined by some places, but still top 20% of my class. Nothing to sneer at.
When I started looking for PhD programs and asking for letters of rec from professors, my advisor told me she didn't think I could hack it. The words she really used were "concern about the ability to successfully cope with the rigors of a doctoral program" and I was so embarrassed. I was embarrassed to be autistic in a place that did not want me there and certainly didn't want me succeeding there. And I spent a whole year thinking about what she said and why she said it. I wrote her back in September telling her I DO want to apply to PhD programs, and the things she saw as weaknesses that gave her pause about my abilities to succeed were actually strengths, and despite all of the things she cited as reasons I would struggle, I still graduated with a 3.8 GPA, and I still stayed the course and didn't take a single semester off DESPITE the mental breakdown I had. I stayed a full time academic while having a full time job AND operating my own photography studio, while also being a full time mom and a spouse. People have done less academically with fewer life obligations and gotten glowing letters of rec, I deserved one, too.
I got them all. All of the letters of rec. All of the meetings with directors. Everything I needed, I demanded not from a place of entitlement, but because I earned every last fucking crumb of my asks. I did not submit a PhD application for Dan, I didn't do it for Derek, I didn't do it for my kids, I don't care about any of them here. I did it for me. For little me that knew I would get here. Who never doubted ONCE that I would get there. That me was thrilled to hit the submit button on her first PhD application, because she believed in my abilities without hesitation.
Now.
The caveat here is I didn't submit the best applications I could. And I am reticent to admit this, because if for some reason an admissions board sees this and thinks I don't actually want to be accepted, I won't be. Which isn't really true, ESPECIALLY for Denver. But there is a catch.
Derek's marketplace opened and he put Washington State at the top of his list (Colorado is second, New York is third). I told him if he got Washington state, I would happily give up my PhD programs to go hiking for four years in the PNW. To my knowledge, I only get one crack at being alive, and I want to live it as tits out as I can, experiencing as much as humanly possible. Can I do that tethered to research for the next four years? No. No I cannot. So I took a sort of...spirited nonchalance approach to my applications. When I first set out to apply to programs, I told myself I was going to beef out my thesis (an embarrassing to me 15 pages, as Mizzou only required 13-15 pages) so I could make it longer and flesh out my ideas a whole lot more...I was going to agonize over my personal statement until it was absolutely perfect. I was going to do this, that, and the other to ensure my acceptance into my schools, and give myself the pick of a lifetime so I could make the most of such an opportunity.
What I did instead of care JUST ENOUGH. Did I put in an effort on my personal statement? Fuck yeah I did. Did I put in as much effort as I COULD have? Not even close. I think I spent about ten hours TOTAL on my personal statement for Denver, and I only had one friend read it over for me. Did I beef up my thesis? Fuck no. I left it as is.
My logic goes as follows:
If I do not get accepted by either program, I will feel sad because my ego is bruised that I'm not good enough for two state school PhD programs, but I will ultimately be free of the "what if" that not applying would forever haunt me with, and I can go on and live the rest of my life unbothered by the rigors of academia and its rotten systems. Derek and I can figure out what place we want to move to, and we can go on living our lives. I still have a master's degree, I am still a respected photographer, I still have options, I could just close the door on Academia. For good.
If I get in to one school, and Washington State is on the table to move to, well then I'll know I'm a competitive candidate, and I'll know I could have done it. And I will (likely) decline and go live my life, content in the knowledge that knowing I could be A Real Somebody was never a fairy tale. And I will hike The Cascades as a brilliant, highly educated woman who chose a different path on purpose because life afforded her the ability to have options.
If I get in to one or both schools and Washington is NOT on the table, well...I think I will probably take the program that accepts me/the program I think I could do more with. There IS a path forward here where I still say yes to a PhD if they say yes to me. Which is why I put in effort. And not even minimal effort, I put in more than minimal effort. But I didn't want to exert so much effort that I broke my back trying and trying and trying for institutions that will likely do their best to neg me for another four years.
I feel like this is all a pretty solid plan. I feel excited about prospects for the first time in a long time. And I'm pretty rejuvenated that I ACTUALLY applied to a PhD program. Even if I don't get it, being able to do that seemed so far away 15 years ago. 20 years ago. 23 years ago. I haven't believed in my PhD capabilities since I was 16, and that's just fucking wild to me.
I guess let's see how this all shakes out.
